#but they did and its so hopeless romantic my existence is nothing without you -core

[sucktacular]

Shower good. 👍👍👍

In bed now. Considering making a hot bowl of instant noodles ...

[ppersonna]

who’s your daddy? - jhs | thirteen

➸ in order to get over your hopeless crush, you sign up for DADDI, a daddy-dom dating site.  you can’t tell your friends, especially your best friend hoseok.  but as weeks go on, you’re desperate to meet the man behind the screen.

masterlist

thirteen- all yours.

warnings- oral sex (m,f), penetrative sex, unprotected sex, edging, orgasm denial, spanking, dirty talk, slightly degrading dirty talk, D/s, possessive dirty talk, fingering, cum eating, creampie, teasing, vibrators, praise

rating- explicit/nsfw/18+

a/n-Oh my god. it’s here.  it’s done. we made it.  we did it. pls let me know your thots. special thanks to @wwilloww​ for beta reading and @kookiesjoonies​ @ladyartemesia​ @xjoonchildx​ @taetaewonderland​ for the hype. ily all.

With a few finishing touches, the room is set.

You’ve dimmed the lights, closed the blinds, iced the champagne and prepped the bed.

Your body is smooth, exfoliated, ready.  You’ve never scrubbed and shaved and plucked more thoroughly in your life.

You can’t help it. You’re excited and nervous and scared and hopeful.

You want things to work out with Daddy.  You want to see if there’s a possibility of a future with him.  You want to meet the man who set your entire being on fire.

And yet, 

There’s a longing.  A deep-seated need for one singular man.

Jung Hoseok.

He’s all you can think about lately.  While Daddy always lingers—is always there in the back of your mind, Hoseok is omnipresent.   You think of his smile, the way he held you so close when he kissed you, the jokes, the years of friendship that built into something so romantic and easy.   

Your heart thumps heavily in your chest as you think of him.  As you think of him sitting at home after you turned him down for the date this weekend, as you think of him wanting you and you’re… preparing to sleep with another man.

But you couldn’t think of that.  Not now, not here.

It’s now or never with Daddy.  You have to know.  Or you’d live the rest of your life wondering.  

Your phone pings with an alert.

I’m here.

Your heart rate increases and you nearly pace the floor of the expensive hotel room.

How should you wait for him? Standing at the door?  Hiding in the bathroom?

You settle on the bed, lying as comfortably, yet as sexily as possible, ensuring your cleavage is visible in the baby blue robe you’re wearing.

You suck in a breath.

It’s happening.

It’s really fucking happening.

Over the pounding of your heart, you can hear the keycard click in the lock, allowing access to the cardholder.  You can’t see the door, it’s down a short hallway, but you can hear everything.

The door opens, footsteps, then it closes.

Then, it’s silent.

Your lungs burn—you haven’t taken a breath in for what feels like years.

“Babygirl?” 

You exhale loudly, hands nearly trembling with nerves.

“Daddy?”

The footsteps move closer, closer, even closer to the end of the hallway where you will both become visible to one another.

And then,

He’s there, and you’re gasping out loud. Your world slows, your brain short-circuits.   Every vein in your body is screaming out, begging for the man that sets your world on fire.

Jung Hoseok stands at the end of the hallway in his finest slacks and button up, Gucci belt tying the look together—black leather bag in hand.  His eyes are wide as he drinks you in—as reality settles in his mind.

“W-what are you doing here?” You ask through shaky breathing.

“I-,” he begins, then clears his throat. “I’m Daddy.”

You can’t move for too long.  You’re stunned to silence and frozen to the spot on the bed.  

You don’t have to choose anymore.

You don’t have to decide who to choose.

The choice was always Hoseok—it was always him.

As quickly as you froze, you’re leaping off the bed and throwing yourself onto Hoseok’s body, hugging him as tightly as you can.  He wraps his arms around you as you bury your face into his neck, tears springing up at your eyes.  

He smells like heaven; you realize.  He smells like your home, your future.

You pull back to press your forehead to his, smiling through watery tears.

“It’s you,” you murmur.

He nods, swallowing a lump in his throat as he does so. “It’s me.”

You kiss him with all the passion, all the pent up desire, all the need you’ve held onto in your body for both men.  For Daddy, for Hoseok.  For the man who made you feel so sexy, and the man who made you feel so loved.  

And lucky for you, he is both.

He pulls away from your lips, his bright smile mirroring your own.

“We really thought we missed out on a date with each other at coffee,” he laughs. “And we were on the date the whole time.”

You pull him tighter and press your face to his shoulder to laugh, amused at how fucking clueless you had been.

“I thought you stood me up, but I ended up having the best time of my life with you.  I can’t believe how stupid we are.”

Hoseok nods, and as you lift your head back, he cups your cheek.

“I am so fucking crazy about you,” he admits. “And I’m fucking wild for baby girl.  And you’re both.”

“I really like Daddy, but I fell for Hoseok.”

His hands tighten around your waist, and he presses soft, gentle kisses to your lips.

“That’s brilliant news,” he speaks through kisses roving your face. “Because I’m both.”

He guides your body towards the bed until the back of your knees hit the soft surface and you’re sinking down onto the plush mattress. 

Hoseok kisses you so deeply, like you’re the only person left on earth, and your body feels like it’s been set on fire.  Every part of you is singing in rapture from the man’s touch. 

His eyes are black—pupils blown wide when he pulls away from you.  It makes you shiver to see the sunshine in his eyes turn into sin. 

“Lay down on the pillows, baby,” he whispers as he stands up straight at the foot of the bed.  

You obey him without question, without falter. You slide back until your head rests on the plush, expensive pillows. Your body vibrates with excitement, trembling with need.  Hoseok’s eyes observe you, dark and lustful gaze as he undies the cuff buttons on his shirt, and rolls up his sleeves. 

“Untie that robe, angel.  Show me what’s mine.” 

His words imprint in your mind. His.  

You are his, fully and without question. 

Shaking fingers pull the belt that ties your robe together. The silk slides apart and you open it slowly like a gift until you’re exposed completely to the sharp-dressed man fixated on your every move. 

His lungs feel tight as your perky breasts come into view. 

He’s seen them on his phone, jerked off to them nearly a hundred times, but now he knows that it’s you and his cock pulses in his slacks. 

Your nipples prickle and peak in the chilly hotel air, and his lips are itching to wrap and suck and pull on them until you’re quaking. 

You work the robe completely off of you, and throw the expensive garment to the floor as if it’s nothing, as if you wanted nothing more in life than to be naked for him at all times. 

His eyes trace up your long legs, soaking in each curve of your slender calves and thick thighs.  They trail to the apex of those luscious legs, and he nearly salivates. 

“Spread your legs, baby girl,” he chokes. “Show me your pretty cunt.” 

Your face flushes, heat blooming in your cheeks—and yet you comply.  You’re unable to refuse. 

“Yes, Daddy.” 

Hoseok’s eyes flutter closed for a moment, affected by hearing your voice use the honorific.  It’s something he never thought he could have in his wildest dreams—you and baby girl existing within the same body.  He can be himself, fully, both parts of him—with you. 

Your legs part instantly, slowly opening up your most intimate parts to the man who makes your heart burn with need. 

He can’t stop staring as your pussy opens up to him. Your legs spread wantonly, knees up to the sky and hips open wide.  Even from the end of the bed, he can see the way you drip with arousal.  

“Look at you.”  His voice is reverent, speaking a prayer to your cunt as he descends onto the bed and crawls towards your open legs. 

“Look at this sweet little pussy—so wet for Daddy.” 

You nibble at your lip, watching him with growing anticipation that makes your cunt seep out even more. 

“All for y-you,” you agree, nervousness making your words shaky. 

He begins his journey to your body by holding each calf and ravaging them with kisses. He presses his lips up to your knees—before peppering gentle adorations to your thighs. 

“My beautiful, beautiful girl,” he intones. “I’ve wanted to do this to you for so long.” 

Your eyes slip closed as you feel his adoration linger up and down your legs. It’s like Hoseok’s finished his pilgrimage to the altar of your body, and he’s here to offer his piety to you and you alone. 

He moves in further, allowing his fingers to trail closer to your cunt, tracing the moisture that has gathered up and down your slit with one finger 

“I’m gonna make you mine, baby doll.  All mine.”  He whispers the words like a prayer. 

“Yours, Daddy.”

He smiles. 

“And what’s your Daddy’s name?”

You gulp and shiver as his finger continues its teasing trace. It’s so light that it makes your needy core throb. 

“H-Hoseok,” you swallow. “Jung Hoseok.” 

His smile splits to a grin, and he rewards you with one fat lick of his tongue on your clit that makes you keen. 

“All fucking mine.” 

Your legs shake as you groan at his mouth that leaves you as soon as it comes. You need more, need all of him. You feel as if your core is burning, screaming with life. 

“P-please! Daddy!” You whine. “I need you!” 

Hoseok chuckles darkly, kissing the smooth skin of your mound and hips. 

“I know you do, angel,” he says. “And I intend to make you need me more before I give it to you.” 

Your back arches off the bed in a mixture of frustration and aching need.  Hoseok is determined to drive you to the ends of your wits tonight, make sure you’re literally putty in his hands by the time he fucks your desperate hole. 

He travels up to your breasts, licking and suckling marks on the full globes before he pulls your taut nipples into his warm mouth.  You’re whining his name, singing his praises as he nibbles and pulls on each bud. 

He spends enough time on each nipple they’re turning a crimson shade from his ministrations, and the skin of your breasts will bruise and be marked with love bites for days after. 

“My sweet baby girl,” he coos as he finally reaches your lips, kissing you sweetly as if he isn’t teasing your body within an inch of its life.

“I have so much planned for you,” he says as he kisses your face. “I can’t promise I will be this gentle all night.  Is that okay with you?”

His words stoke the flames in your tummy. You know Daddy can be hard, dominant, sadistic.  Knowing he’s Hoseok makes it even more thrilling, more intoxicating. 

“I want you—all of you,” you agree. “I want Daddy as much as I want Hoseok.  You’re one and the same.” 

He cups your cheek with a hand and tucks loose strands of hair behind your ear, eyes softening for a moment as he gazes down at you. 

“Then, you can have all of me.” 

One last sweet kiss is all he gives you, kissing you like you’re his one and only, his final. 

When he pulls away, his eyes are dark like an incoming storm you refuse to take shelter from. Hoseok and Daddy become one, and your body is screaming for the attention of the one who dominates you combined with the one who loves you in one singular body. 

“I think you still need a punishment for the way you spoke to me this week,” he tuts as he pulls away from your body to stand at the edge of the bed.  He remembers the bratty attitude you had as you messaged him, the way he had to put you in your place in your phone call.  He still remembers the way he could hear your soppy pussy squelch with the force of your fingers, and it makes him yearn.

Your doe's eyes simper at him apologetically, making his cock strain harder in its confines.  You’re the prettiest little submissive doll he’s ever laid eyes on, ever spoken to. Online, he fell for your sexual energy and passion. In person, for your character and your humor.  Both parts of you culminate into being precisely what Jung Hoseok no longer simply wants, but needs. 

“I’m sorry, Daddy,” you speak gently. 

He retreats to the corner of the room where an elegant and plush armchair sits. He takes a seat and smiles at you, but the smile holds no sweetness in its meaning. 

“Come here, baby,” he beckons. 

As you’re rising from the bed and standing to walk towards him, he shakes his head and tsks. Your eyes focus on him in confusion. 

“Crawl.” 

You inhale shakily, head cloudy with lust as you comply and sink to the floor on your hands and knees. 

Hoseok crosses a leg over the other and watches you interestedly, a finger propping up his face in a laid back and casual sort of attitude that has your cunt dripping. 

He thrills as he watches you make your way towards him, crawling on your hands and knees for him.  He watches the way your perky breasts bounce and swing, and he is sure if he could see it, your pussy is dripping with arousal.  He can see it in the look in your eyes—the desperate need to be dominated swirling behind your seductress gaze. 

You stop at his feet and kneel in front of him, waiting for his word on what to do next. 

He’s silent for a moment and watches you.  So obedient. So good. His cock is begging for him to take it out and stuff it into you, but he’s patient. He has to be.  He doesn't want this to be a quick and rowdy fuck. That will come later in the evening.  He knows now if he drags this out, makes you cry enough times from orgasm denial, the one you’ll have when he’s finally cervix deep inside you, will ruin you for any other cock, any other man, for life. 

He sits upright, feet flat on the floor, and pats his lap.

“Lay over my knee,” he demands gently. “Put your ass in the air for me.”  

You shiver as you realize what’s coming.  Your body keens for the feel of his warm, firm hands delivering blows to each cheek of your ass. 

With delicate hands, you crawl up his legs and drape yourself over, bare tits pressed against the soft fabric of the chair, tummy on his expensive slacks. You lift your hips to extend your ass higher and Hoseok groans out loud.  

“God,” he sighs. “Such an obedient girl.” 

He spreads your legs apart so he can see the lips of your cunt peek through, so he can watch as your arousal growls with each blow like he expects it to. 

He lowers a hand down gently to rub at the smooth skin of your ass, tracing the globe gently. 

“Good girls who take their punishments get rewarded,” he reminds you. “... eventually.” 

He laughs gently and you shiver, knowing you’re in for a long night of delicious, pleasurable torture. 

“Yes, Daddy,” you agree and wiggle your ass slightly. “I want to be a good girl for you.” 

He rubs your ass for a moment longer, then lifts it away. 

“Then, tell me what you did to deserve my hand.”  

You swallow hard and close your eyes. 

“I back talked you,” you say. “And I was being a brat.” 

He hums in approval and nods, although you can’t see it. 

Instantly, his hand comes down hard on the skin of your ass, leaving a stinging strike on one cheek that makes you gasp. 

“You were,” he agrees as he soothes the red skin for a moment.  “And, what else?” 

You take a moment to catch your breath and gasp your response. 

“I didn’t believe you! I thought you stood me up.” 

He smiles as he remembers the coffee date with you, how cute you were as you sipped on shared drinks with him. 

Another smack to the opposite cheek now, just as hard and stinging as the first. 

The pleasure transcends the pain and the sizzle of the skin directs itself straight to your core. You can tell your cunt is juicing, perhaps even leaking onto the luxe fabric of Hoseok’s slacks.   You can’t help but moan and arch in his grasp. 

“Mm,” he sighs. “Do you like that, baby?  Does your pussy get nice and sloppy wet from getting spanked?” 

You can feel tears building up in your eyes as he brings his hand down again and again, the slaps echoing around the room.  

“I need you, Daddy!” You beg. Your core is burning with desire, aching for a touch. 

“I know you do, angel,” he says as he slaps your ass again, grunting with exertion. “I can see your greedy wet cunt, so needy for my cock.” 

He rubs another teasing finger down your slit and it feels like bliss, like torturous heaven. 

“P-please,” you cry. “I need you.” 

His fingers plunge into your wet heat, fucking into your tight channel.  Your eyes nearly pop out of your head at the feeling of his thick fingers and your grip on the chair tightens. 

“Yeah, you like that?” He asks breathlessly. “You like Daddy’s fingers fucking your slutty cunt?”

Tears are pouring down your face, the pleasure so overwhelming that you can’t hold it back anymore. The remaining stinging pain on your ass combines with the stretch and thrusts of his fingers. 

“Answer me!” His voice raises slightly and you whimper in reply. 

“Yes! Yes, Daddy!” 

He uses his free hand to spank your ass again, hardest of all this time, while he continues to fuck into your desperate cunt. It’s overwhelming and your moans escalate in volume. 

“That’s right, slut,” he murmurs as he scissors his fingers inside of you, stretching out your hole for what he expects to be an endless night. “I’m the only one who can make this little cunt so juicy.” 

Your stomach tightens as you feel your orgasm building, feeling the sizzling heat of it swell from the tips of your toes and envelop you. 

“G-gonna c-cum, Daddy!” 

Hoseok becomes even more relentless, thrusting harder. 

“I don’t recall you asking for permission.” 

Instantly, he removes his fingers from you and gently encourages you to slip back to the floor.  You let out a sob as you crawl off his legs and down to the floor, kneeling in submission at his feet. 

“I’m s-sorry, Daddy!”  Your voice is shaky from having your oncoming orgasm ripped away from you.  

“Show me how sorry you are,” he speaks as he presses a thumb against your lips until they yield to him and open. “Show me you’re sorry by sucking my dick like the cock-hungry slut you are.”

You’re undoing his slacks before the words even leave his lips, trembling hands gripping the button and zipper to tug them down as far as you can. 

Your eyes widen as you see his expensive underwear bulge with what he’s packing. You know from photos that Daddy is impressive—thick and long. It flexes and slaps at his stomach in the videos he sent you of him jerking off to selfies of your tits. 

But now that it’s connected that it’s Hoseok, it’s almost like unwrapping a surprise as you pull the boxers down to reveal his hard length. 

He hisses as he feels the cool air, and his cock feels relieved at the freedom from confinement. It nearly pulses in excitement as he watches you stare it down, tiny hand coming to grip it firmly. 

“Shit,” he whines as your hand moves up and down the shaft. “Dreamt of this for so long.” 

Your lips curl into a smile and you rub the moisture beaded at the tip. 

“Dreamt of me or of baby girl?” You ask, coyly. 

“Both.” 

You nibble at your lip and return to stroking him carefully.  Your heart feels swollen with love, adoration, excitement at finally having the man of your dreams and your secret crush here, cock in hand.  You’re determined to show him just how glad you are to be the object of his desires. 

Your tongue darts out and licks gently at the mushroom tip, making Hoseok breathe harshly through his nose at the touch. You lick at the spot just underneath, where the tip meets the shaft, and Hoseok is gasping out loud. 

“Christ,” he whines. “Don’t be a tease, please.” 

Hoseok’s gentle nature shines through his dominance at your touch, his bravado momentarily slipping away from the pleasure.  You can’t refuse him—you don’t think you ever could. 

Effortlessly, your mouth opens wide and you suck in his length, moistening and swirling your tongue around him as you descend further and further down, all the way until his tip is forced at the back of your throat and your nose is buried in his abs. 

Hoseok’s eyes widen as he watches you—feels you take all of him in one descent. He can feel the back of your throat and knows you’re stuffed as far as you can take—perhaps even further—and yet you remain. His cock warms up in your hot mouth, tongue still anxiously working up and down whatever parts it can wrap and reach. His hand grips your hair at the back of your head gently, cooing praises as he lifts you back up with a gentle pull. 

“That’s my good little baby girl, taking Daddy’s cock so well.”  

You preen under his praise and as you resurface to the tip, your energy quickens as you bob your head and set a sloppy, slobbery pace. 

Hoseok watches you proudly, helps your head bounce on his cock with a firm hand on your skull. His cock has never been so hard in his life, and your hot little mouth is hitting spots that make him see stars. 

“Ahhh, fuck yes,” he whispers. “You suck my dick like you were made for it. My personal little cocksleeve.” 

His words flame like an inferno inside of you. 

“God, I can’t wait to fuck your sweet pussy, baby.  Bet your cunt was made for me too, meant for my cock only.”  

As if it knows, your core tightens and pulses around nothing.  

Hoseok watches you adoringly, eyes steady on you as your head bobs expertly. He maintains a steady stream of praise, dirty degrading comments about how good of a whore you are for him—comments that go straight to your cunt. 

He can feel his orgasm building and he knows he doesn’t want to yet, doesn’t want to cum anywhere but inside your hot, tight hole. 

He pulls up on your head, chuckling at your desperate eyes boring into his with confusion on why you’ve been stopped. 

“Go lie on the bed, baby. I need to get something for you.” 

You rise on weak and useless legs, doing as he asks and moving towards the bed and lie back on the pillows, watching as he digs through the black leather bag he arrived with.  He pulls out an impressive Hitachi wand that has you squirming on the bed from the sheer sight of it. 

He stalks towards you, predator towards prey, and lets the wand rest on the bed.  He slowly begins unbuttoning his shirt, slowly and purposefully dragging it out to watch your eyes widen and body shake with anticipation. 

His body is toned and perfect, just like you thought—just like you knew.  You’re nearly salivating as he pulls his slacks and underwear completely off and his cock stands proudly against a background of defined muscles. 

“Holy shit,” you breathe.  

He loves this, is thriving off the fact that you’re just as enamored as he is. 

Before you can register, he’s crawled on to the bed and is hovering over you.  Your lips are a breath apart and you’re sure you’ve stopped breathing—stopped thinking about anything that isn’t Hoseok. 

The wand lays heavy in his hand as he flicks the switch on.  The powerful vibrations are near thunderous in the otherwise quiet room and your pussy reacts with no stimulation.  You can feel your slick drip out of you, down to soak the blankets below.  

“Eager,” he muses as your legs spread wantonly with no instruction.  “Look at your soaked pussy.  You’re making a mess of the bed.”

Your cheeks flame, embarrassed by just how desperate you are for Hoseok, but your embarrassment doesn’t linger.  Hoseok doesn’t mention it to shame you. He revels in it, euphoric at the idea that he alone can turn you into a cock-hungry whore.

He lowers the toy and scoots towards you, kneeling in front of your open cunt.   The toy is centimeters away, you can nearly feel the air between it and you vibrating.  It stills your breath, seizes your lungs.  

“Are you going to be a good girl?” He asks, holding the device from your folds purposefully.  

You nod quickly, too quick.  Your brain is effectively shutting down, only working with the parts that scream of need for his cock. 

He chuckles his amusement at your anticipation.  Your fingers are working their way up your body, dancing on your skin and closing in on your nipples.  Hoseok notices and smirks. 

“Play with your pretty nipples, baby.  Pinch ‘em tight until it hurts.”

To show your obedience, your finger snags a bud in its grasp, pulling up and twisting slightly.  The pain is more than satisfying.  It wrenches a groan from your lips, as you ache for him to close the distance of the vibrating toy to your pussy.

“Good girl.”

He leaves you no room to reply, simply uses one hand to spread your cunt open with his fingers, while the other presses the ball-head of the toy directly to your clit.  

Your body spasms in reaction, a litany of screams falling from your lips as your back arches off the bed and your legs convulse.  The vibrations on your anguished clit makes your entire body feel electrified—like he’s attached a live-wire directly to your veins.

“H-Hoseok!!” You scream.  Your cunt drips more, pools below you and Hoseok thrills in watching the theater performance you’re putting on for him.

“Yeah, you like this, baby?” He asks, voice gaining a hard edge.  “You like it when Daddy plays with your clit?”

Your eyes are lolling back in your head, the indulgence of the act on your needy slit turning you brain-dead.  

“I asked you a question, baby girl.  Don’t make me punish you.”

Your lips quiver.  You’re not even sure how words work, not sure how to form what you’re thinking with any language you can convey.  Your moans come out blabbering, gasping a mixture of his name and ‘yes’ and ‘please’.  

The licking flames of your climax expands, reaches up and strangles you with intensity.  Your legs shake even further and your cunt is nearly pouring out your slick arousal.

Hoseok can tell you’re close now; he can tell by your increasing volume, your shuddering body that your orgasm is mere minutes—no, seconds away.

And, he can’t let that happen.

He takes the toy away and turns it off just as your mouth opens in a frenzy to scream your bliss.

Your eyes fly open.  Your body screams in agony, in desperation to cum, and cum hard, at that.  Hoseok has brought you to the brink so many times and never lets it stay.  He wrenches you back down to earth, and you’re gasping for more, body clenching and quivering.

“P-please, Hoseok,” you whisper.  Your ability to speak is still pitiful, still nearly impossible.  Tears of frustration pool in your eyes and slip down your face.  You’ve never been so turned on, so on edge, so absolutely frantic for someone in your life.

Hoseok wipes a tear away from your eyes with his thumb, shushing your needy whines.

“You’re going to cum on my cock,” he tells you.  “You’re going to cum so hard around me, and no one else—nothing else.  Only me, forever.”

Hoseok has you—hook, line and sinker.  He’s captured you completely in every aspect.  He has your heart, your soul, your cunt.  You knew you’d fall fast when you met the right one, and now he sits in front of your weeping pussy and promises you you’ll never need another cock, another man, in your life.  And you believe him.   You’ll never want another again—you’re sure of it.

He crawls up your body and kisses at your tears, kisses your lips sweetly and waits until your breathing settles.  He knows the edging is too much, nearly agonizing to take, and he’s desperate to reward you for your tolerance.

His hand grips his cock, lines it up and rubs it teasingly at your soaked slit. The action alone makes him grit his teeth, loving the way your soppy cunt leaks your arousal for him and coats the tip of him. 

“I’m going to fuck you until you can’t see straight, baby,” he whispers. “Gonna show you who’s cunt this is.” 

You don’t speak—you couldn’t if you tried.  You’re absolutely spellbound by him, and lost in the way his cock teases you and rubs at your engorged, needy clit. It throbs with desire for release, for his touch.  He’s dragging it out, teasing you as much as he can. He knows you’re on the edge—that you’ve been near an orgasm the whole night and he’s yet to allow you one. 

“I need to hear you,” he states. “Need to hear you beg for me.” 

You swallow hard, trying your best to activate your mind to formulate the words you need.

“Hoseok,” you gasp, eyes widening as he continues to tease your hole.  “Hobi, please.”

He nearly loses it at the sound of your nickname for him, nearly gives in to you completely—but holds back.  Just a bit longer, just a few moments more.

“I need you so bad,” you weep as a fat tear rolls down your cheek—tears forming from how desperate you are and how captivated you are that it’s him, that he’s the one above you giving you the world.  “Please fuck me, Daddy.”

There’s no need to whisper a reply.  Instead, he finally, finally, sinks his cock into your drenched heat, groaning as your slick walls stretch to accommodate him.

Your back arches up and you press your body up into his, prickled nipples pressing into his bare chest that makes him shiver as he bottoms out.  

He’s still, only for a moment, giving your body a moment to adjust.  He knows you’re so wet you won’t need long—your cunt is primed to accept his thickness.  

He grabs your legs and opens them, throwing them over his shoulders so he pushes in even deeper.

He leans forward, makes your body bend, and kisses you deeply.  He kisses you with passion, with sincerity and longing.  He wants you to know you’re the girl he’s insane for—you’re the one.  

After he pulls away, he lingers close to your lips and smiles.  

“You’re mine, baby girl.”  

He slowly drags his cock back until it’s nearly completely out of your channel, before his hips snap and he fucks into you—hard.  

The pace he sets is punishing.  He fucks into you like he’s wanted to for years now, thrusts into you so deep that your body bounces with each push forward.  He watches you, watches as your mouth opens to gasp out screams and pleas.  He relishes in the way your hands grip at his biceps, hold on to him like a lifeline.  Hoseok is absolutely basking in the way your body blooms and accepts him, only him.  Your cunt feels like heaven.  It’s hot and tight and gripping him so tightly he’s sure he’ll cum without nearly any work.

His pace picks up, burying his cock into you hard and fast as he pushes your legs until your knees are up to your head.  He wants to watch the way your dripping cunt takes his cock.

“God,” he whines as he watches himself slide in and out of you, covered in your creamy slick.  “You take this cock so well.  You were made to be my whore, baby.”

You babble a positive response, try to tell him that your body was designed for him to use, to take and please as he sees fit.  

He continues. 

“This tight little cunt is all mine, only mine.  I’m gonna make sure I stuff you full of my cock every fucking night, baby girl.  Gonna be nice and fucked out every day of the week.”

The tears of frustration turn into tears of bliss, crying in rapture as they streak down your cheeks.  You’ve never felt so good from a fuck, from any hook up or relationship in your life.  Hoseok has taken you to another world, another universe where the only thing that matters is his dick filling you up to the brim, and how close his body is to yours.

“Fuck,” he grunts as he feels his orgasm work itself up.  “Can’t wait to cum inside this fucking pussy every fucking night.”

He grabs the Hitachi wand that’s lying on the bed and flicks it back to life.  He grins as he sets the head back onto your clit and watches as you jolt even higher in response. 

He can feel the vibrations against his cock as he fucks you and his mind spins.  The sensation, tied with your sticky, slick channel sends him reeling towards the edge.

“Cum for me, baby girl,” he demands.  “Show me I own this fucking pussy!”

Your mouth opens in a silent scream as it washes over you.  All sound leaves as your back arches off the bed one final time and your cunt clenches down impossibly hard around his length and convulses wildly.  Your orgasm hits you like a hurricane, battering down your body with its intense waves.

Hoseok watches in wonder, eyes wide as you cum harder than you have in your entire life.  He’s mystified by you, by how responsive you are to him.  It only takes a few more hypnotic pulses of your fiery pussy around his cock to send him skyrocketing towards his own climax.

His cock pulses with the intensity of his ropes of cum.  Your walls accept him, coax and milk him to spill more and more and more, until he’s filled you up past your breaking point.  It paints and coats your walls, pools in your womb, and he’s desperately crying your name as he grips your thighs.

The return to earth from a combined, world-shattering orgasm takes a few minutes.  You struggle to catch your breath and focus your blurry vision.  Hoseok struggles to keep himself upright and falls to rest on top of you, only holding himself up slightly to keep from crushing you.

“Oh, my god,” you whisper meekly.  “I’ve never cum so hard in my life.”

Hoseok chuckles a weak laugh and presses a kiss to your ear, too lazy to lift his head.  

“All for me.”

You smile and let a hand rest on his back, grazing the toned muscle gently with your fingertips.  He finally lifts his head and stares down at you.

He looks so beautiful there above you. The remaining light from the night sky sparkles in his eye and he stares at you like you’re the most beautiful woman in the world.

And to him, you are.  You’re everything and more.

“It’s you,” he sighs, still unbelieving that the girl of his dreams is the girl of his fantasies too.

“It’s you,” you echo.  

There’s time for speaking later, time for adding everything up and confessing and planning.  

For now, as Hoseok catches his breath, he crawls his way down your body to your spent cunt.  His tongue peeks out of his mouth and kitten-licks at the drizzling cum that seeps out of you.  You squeak in overstimulation, but spread your legs further open to encourage him.

“You’re all mine.”  

He’s not sure if he’s telling you, or reminding himself.  

Hoseok laps into your hole, licking and suckling at the combined juices.

“Yours,” you moan.  “All yours.”

And Hoseok intends to make sure you never forget it.

[mcgrillzdumpinc]

Further Ahead - a Madame Lan fic

Summary: Lan Chunhua became wife to Qingheng-jun through no will of her own. She bore his children and held her own against the strict Lan sect. In her time spent in the Gentian House, she planned an escape that would allow her to leave with her sons. Little did she know that she would find herself thirty years into the future.

Word count: 5517

Rating: T

ao3 link

Inspired by an idea from fallenwithstyle!

She wakes up with a gasp.  Ripples of energy pulse through her body, unyielding and nauseating.  She nearly falls over, catches herself with her hands, resists the urge to empty her stomach as she breathes and calculates and settles herself.

Did it work?

She looks around the room.  It is almost the same as the one she started in.  Spacious, barely decorated, every bit a Lan house.  Except the flowers are different.  Instead of spring annuals, there are winter flowers in the vases.  A light coat of dust covers every surface.  Her working desk is empty of any of her documents.

The ritual worked.

~~~

Fu Chunhua was just past seventeen years of age when she decided to visit Caiyi Town. She had heard many things about Gusu, about the canals and the resplendent beauty of the Lan sect.  As a rogue cultivator from a border town far north, she carried little care for a monastic order turned cultivation sect. Her interests lay purely in travel, in the ways she could help as a singular woman, values that had been passed to her by her late parents.  So she joined a caravan of merchants on the promise of pay for her protection of them.

In some stories, she would have felt dread upon entering Caiyi.  Something would have told her to turn away.  But this is no such story.  Nothing was amiss during her few days stay.  She rested, stocked up on her supplies, and was about to leave for another destination when she collided with a young man.

He was a fine young thing, even when disheveled upon the ground.  He truly appeared like a being made out of finest of jade, ethereal like falling snow and more beautiful than the rising sun.  Like the moon had blessed him and his stark white robes.

“Are you hurt?” he immediately asked, scrambling to his feet to help her up.

“I am uninjured,” she replied as she took his hands.

“I apologize for not seeing you sooner,” the stranger said, releasing her hands to bow to her.  “And…forgive me for asking so soon, but what is your name, young madame?” he asked her. There were stars forming in his dark brown eyes.

Fu Chunhua knew this dance.  A young man, struck by her loveliness, jumping to conclusions within seconds of knowing her. It had happened so many times before, and she expected it would happen so many times again.  She introduced herself, and he introduced himself in turn. Qingheng-jun, they called him. Lan Guoliang, sect leader of the Gusu Lan.

“I didn’t expect I would be meeting an esteemed sect leader on this day,” Fu Chunhua said, even though she was ready to leave.  She couldn’t be rude to someone of such high status, especially in his own territory.

“It must be an auspicious day,” Lan Guoliang replied, “since I am meeting a beauty such as yourself.”

“Ah… I am not so beautiful, Qingheng-jun.  I am certain there are much more resplendent beauties within your sect.”

“But none who can match you.”

“…Thank you. If you’ll forgive my absence, I must hurry to my next location.”

Then she tried to leave.  She was successful, for a time.  She managed to reach the city gates, was about to mount her sword, was about to escape yet another hopeless romantic, when suddenly Qingheng-jun grabbed her by her arm.

“I am so sorry, Fu-xiaojie.  I am stubborn to a fault.  Please offer me a chance to prove myself.”

The persistent type, then.  Well, nothing she hadn’t handled before.  She offered for him to join her on a night hunt.  So many had lost interest once they saw her fighting style—barbaric, they called it.  In truth, they could not imagine a woman stronger than them, one who could hold her own against a hundred beasts and not care for the blood spilt on her robes. She doubted this Lan Guoliang would be any different.

Except, he would. After the monster was vanquished, she found herself stone still before the bowing young man, who begged for her hand. ‘Love at first sight,’ he called it. ‘A love made for the gods,’ he claimed. He called her the perfect wife for him, without once asking if she cared a drop for him.

She refused. Of course she did.  Without a thought towards his heartbroken tears, Fu Chunhua mounted her sword and left him behind.  That should have been the last of it.  Nobody in their right mind would chase such a harsh woman.

She should have known, though.  She really should have known.

He found her less than a month later.  Another town, not far from Gusu but closer to Yunmeng territory.  She could easily chalk it up to coincidence.  There was significant ghost activity, enough to warrant the attention of a major cultivation sect.  But she still kept her distance, best she could, even though he would search her out in crowds and kept close during night hunts.  She could tolerate it.  Just until the all ghosts were vanquished.  Then maybe she would visit lands outside of imperial bounds. For a year, at the very least. Surely he would lose interest by then.

But she would not get the chance to escape.  One night, the cultivators that had gathered agreed to split up, take up investigation on their own terms and then reconvene by dawn.  They all had signal flares on hand in case they ran into trouble.  Fu Chunhua took her own route, as she was wont to do.  The silence of the woods was a welcome respite.  So welcome, in fact, that she failed to notice her company.

The man who had followed her was a Lan, but was not Qingheng-jun.  He was one of Lan Guoliang’s teachers, apparently.  Lan Lijun.  A much older fellow, not nearly as strong as his pupil or even Fu Chunhua. But he was gentler than a spring breeze in the way he spoke.  Sweeter than a plum in the way he carried himself.  So all her walls were down when he drew his sword on her.

He called her a curse.  A temptation that drew Qingheng-jun from his studies, from his duties as a righteous sect leader.  As the old man shouted and slashed, he made it blindingly clear that nothing short of her death would serve to save Qingheng-jun from the plight of her mere existence.

Fu Chunhua fought back.  Fu Chunhua killed the old man.  Fu Chunhua did the right thing and turned herself in.

Then she became Lan Chunhua.  Married to protect her life.  Kept captive in a scenic prison.  When her husband came to her, she surrendered.  She allowed him her body, however long or often he wanted.  Despite how much she cried, or how much she ached for any form of freedom, she did not kill the spawn of their union.  Not the first, nor the second.  She did not fight when they took the children from her. She did not argue for the right to see them more often.  She mothered from a distance, paid her wifely dues, and planned her escape in secret.

There was a maid. A young, bright thing.  Lan Meilin.  Besides Xichen and Wangji, Lan Meilin was the brightest part of Lan Chunhua’s poor excuse for a life.  She was not like most Lans—her voice was always an octave too loud, her posture slacked when no one was looking, she actually talked to Lan Chunhua for more than necessity.  When she could get permission, they would talk about everything and nothing for hours into the night.  She was a wonder.  And she was more than willing to help Lan Chunhua.  In fact, the escape plan was hers and hers alone.

“You’re quite a skilled cultivator, aren’t you, Lan-furen?”

“My older brother gained access to the secret rooms in the Library Pavilion!  There are all sorts of techniques stashed there!  Shhh, but don’t tell anyone I told you, okay?  He only told me because I wouldn’t stop pestering him!”

“Lan-furen… my brother found research on time travel.  I don’t know how to tell him not to think too much into it.  It’s impossible, right?”

“Lan-furen. This may not be for me to speak of… But I heard of a story, recently.  A captive woman who found freedom.  They say a dragon saved her.  Others say she rescued herself.  Would you like to hear the story?”

“Lan-furen… I’m sorry to scare you, I know it’s late.  But I’m sure it won’t be long until they find out.  I snuck into the Library Pavilion.  I copied down everything I could about transportation, even those studies on time travel.  Please, use them.  It is the last thing this young fool will be able to do for you.”

Lan Chunhua did not hear a thing about Lan Meilin after that night.  Any questions were met with silence and avoidance.  Dead, alive, punished—she would never know her maid’s fate. But there was one truth she could know, and that was how to leave her cage.

But she couldn’t leave without her sons.  Regardless of their parentage, Xichen and Wangji were her little treasures.  Xichen with his unrelenting kindness and emotional insight.  Wangji with his hilariously withdrawn nature and stubborn loyalty.  She couldn’t leave them behind, not for the world and all its riches.

But there was no transportation talisman that would allow her to transport all three of them, not without giving up her whole golden core and perhaps even her life. And there was no guarantee they would go with her, or that they wouldn’t be caught.  The only way was forward.  The only way was forward.

So she took the way forward.  She studied and experimented and improved.  And then, one night, it wasn’t a flower or a vial that was put in the middle of the array. It was her, and she was ready.

~~~

Now the only trouble is moving.  Much as Lan Chunhua tries, she cannot find her footing, let alone sit up.  The best she can do is drag herself by her arms. But that will not get her anywhere quick, least of all surreptitiously.

So focused she is on gathering her strength at least enough to hide herself, she does not notice that company has arrived on her doorstep.  She’s a far distance from the closest adjoining room when the door to her cottage opens.  Her guest is a young man, much to her surprise.  Has so much time passed that the Lan sect has done away with separation of sexes?  She doubts it—an entire century could pass before a single elder would consider altering a single rule.  What’s more, despite the blue and white Lan robes the young man wears, he isn’t wearing a headband.  The only decoration to his hair is a bright red ribbon.  A guest cultivator, then.  One that is doubtlessly trespassing.

Well, if she needed someone who wouldn’t dare to cause a ruckus and would have good reason to be furtive, she certainly wouldn’t be able to find someone better than him.

“You!” she exclaims, pointing at him.

He furrows his brows, pointing at himself.  His back bends with the motion.  “Me…?”

“You will help me!” she commands, dragging herself however lamely in his direction.

He raises his hands and takes a step back.  “I don’t know how much help I could be.  Who are you, anyway?  What are you doing in Lan-furen’s quarters?”

“I can ask you the same thing.”

A quip is on the tip of his tongue, but he swallows it and reconsiders.  A tilt of his head to the left, then the right, then he says, “That’s fair.  Here, let’s start with introductions, then!  My name is Wei Wuxian, husband to the standing sect leader, Lan Wangji.”

Lan Wangi! Her stoic, warm, darling Wangji, married?  To a man who carries himself like he has the sun at his back!  Lan Chunhua must restrain the tears that prick at her eyes. She has so many questions and just as many felicitations to wish, but there is time yet for those.  Surely, the appearance of her Wangji’s husband as her savior must be the will of the heavens.

“And you are?” Wei Wuxian asks with a welcoming, close-lipped smile.

“…Lan Chunhua,” she answers truthfully.  “Your husband’s mother.  Please, if you can—” Before she can finish her sentence, an implication catches her. And it settles in her like a tiger’s maw on her heart.  “You said standing sect leader… What happened to Lan Huan?  Lan Xichen?  What has happened to my son, nuzu?”

He blinks at her, face and shoulders and arms falling like weights are attached to his skin. “You…?  Lan Zhan’s mother?  That’s not possible!”

She resists the urge to roll her eyes.  There’s much more pressing matters at hand.  “You do not have to believe me when I say I traveled through time.  But I assure you, I am very much A-Zhan’s mother. Do you need me to prove it?  Check all you like, but you must bring me to my children.”

“I—” He looks around, finger pointed upwards at nothing in particular.  “Hold on!”

He runs rather fast, she has to say.  If worry for her Xichen wasn’t weighing on her so heavily, she might just laugh at the character her Wangji decided to marry.  He must be so terribly happy, she realizes with a wistful sigh.

~~~

“Lan Zhan! Lan Zhan!”

Normally, Wei Wuxian wouldn’t interrupt training, least of all when his wonderful husband is the teacher of the day.  Lan Wangi has more than enough troubles on his mind, as Wei Wuxian often has to remind him when sect leader duties leave him weary to the bone.  As his husband (and as part of proving that he’s ‘rehabilitated’, as Nie Huaisang likes to call it), Wei Wuxian does what he can to keep the Cloud Recesses running.  Repairs and construction jobs, maintaining some trade negotiations, entertaining the more restless of the disciples—Wei Wuxian does what he can to lighten the load.

That’s why, today, he snuck into the late Lan-furen’s quarters.  He was hoping to find something to brighten Lan Wangji’s mood, which has been truly dismal ever since Lan Xichen started turning away his own brother.  What he found instead, well, he can only hope it will turn out for the better.

He jumps towards Lan Wangji.  Without even looking away from the disciples, Lan Wangji catches him with one arm. “Lan Zhan!” Wei Wuxian repeats, circling his arms around his husband’s neck, “I have something important to show you! It can’t wait!”

Lan Wangi glances at him with the slightest hint of a smile.  He calls over a nearby senior disciple to take over then walks the same direction Wei Wuxian came.  Wei Wuxian has to kick his legs to convince Lan Wangji to let him down, but he keeps a hand against his husband’s back as they walk together.

“So,” Wei Wuxian starts, “I came across a big surprise today.”

“What is it?” Lan Wangji asks, smiling down at him indulgently.

“Guess!” Wei Wuxian replies with doe eyes.

Lan Wangji considers for a long time.  They’re already nearing the Gentian House when he replies, “You found a mate for Lil’ Apple?”

Wei Wuxian snorts.  “Is that the best you could come up with?!  So unimaginative, Lan-er-gege.”

A familiar hunger ignites in Lan Wangji’s eyes.  Before he can be pulled aside for some truly ancestor-shaming activities, Wei Wuxian grabs his husband’s wrist and pulls him to their destination.  “No, it’s something much more dramatic.”  They reach the steps and Lan Wangji’s posture shifts immediately—shoulders tense, eyes focused.  Wei Wuxian slides his hand down to intertwine his fingers with Lan Wangji’s.  “I know I’m not allowed here, but I wanted to find a present for you.  But I found something else.  There’s a woman in there, she claims to be your mother.”

Immediately, Lan Wangji’s eyes widen.  He looks between Wei Wuxian, then to the entrance door.  Back to Wei Wuxian, then he very nearly runs inside.

~~~

The doors open with force.  Lan Chunhua looks up.  There’s another man standing in the entryway and he looks so much like Qingheng-jun that she nearly throws a vase at him.  But quickly she realizes his eyes match hers—golden.  He is slimmer than his father, his face more delicate in features, and she recognizes those heavy set of brows that pull his expressions into stone.

“A-Zhan!” she cries.  She reaches out her arms, begging, desperate, joyful. “Mama,” he replies as he sinks into her embrace.  His voice is so much deeper now, his arms can wrap around her entire torso now, he’s so much stronger now.  But there is gentleness and anxiety in his hug, like when he was a child and feared the second he would be taken from her.  She holds him all the tighter for it.

“I’m so sorry, my darling.  Please forgive your Mama for disappearing from you.”

There is a wetness pooling on her shoulder.  She cards her fingers through his hair, lets him cry without acknowledgment, as she looks up at her savior, Wei Wuxian.  ‘Thank you’, she mouths to him, and he smiles and bows in return.

“Why did you go…?” she hears her son mutter.

She shushes him and begins to rock side to side, just as he liked as a child.  “I had to leave, baobei.  A bird cannot survive for long in a cage.”

He seems to take that for a satisfactory answer.  Wei Wuxian closes the doors and settles to Wangji’s right.  His eyes are trained entirely on Wangji, a loving warmth in his smile, and Lan Chunhua once again finds herself thankful that her son found such a perfect husband.

Lan Chunhua does not realize she fell asleep in her Wangji’s hold until she comes to in his lap.  The sunlight filtering through the windows is a deep orange—the afternoon has come and gone and the dusk is nearly upon them.

“It seems I must apologize to you again, A-Zhan.  I was more tired than I realized.”

“Mn,” is his reply.  Lan Chunhua nearly laughs at the familiarity.  “You were low on spiritual power.  Wei Ying is working on getting you food now.”

She looks down at where Wangji’s fingers are pressed to her wrist pulse.  “You must have cultivated a truly strong golden core to feed me for so long.  Thank you, baobei.”

The tips of his ears turn pink.  This time, she does laugh.

“Oh, don’t be so shy!”  She reaches up and pats his cheek twice.  “So many years, and you’re still the same.”

“…I am not the same,” he argues, somewhat lamely.

Lan Chunhua laughs again.  “I guess you are right.  I certainly could not imagine my little A-Zhan marrying such a lively man.”  She sits up and catches his smile.  “Tell me, A-Zhan, how did you meet him?”

“We met during the yearly lessons.  He was a nuisance.”

“That’s what drew you to him, isn’t it?  You always loved the brightest things.  What sect did he belong to?”

Something unpleasant crosses Wangji’s expression, but it quickly dissipates.  “The Yunmeng Jiang.  He was their head disciple.”

Lan Chunhua’s memories of the Yunmeng Jiang are few.  She never lingered anywhere long enough to meet most of the cultivation world’s sect leaders, so the majority of her memories from Yunmeng are of the territory itself and not the sect that called it home.  But she can recall seeing Jiang Fengmian and Yu Ziyuan on a few night hunts.  One was too placid, the other too fiery.  She cannot imagine their head disciple would have lived in a pleasant environment.

“Is he happy here?” she asks as she takes her son’s hand.  “This sect does not stifle him?”

“Nobody can stifle him,” Wangji answers, threading his long fingers with hers.  “I would not let them.  He can only be happy.”

So her son has become the type who would sooner break the world than let his loved one suffer. “I am proud of you.  I left you so early but still you became such a good man.”

He smiles. “I am glad you have returned.  I have missed you.”

The door opens. Wei Wuxian has arrived with dinner for all three of them.  She dare not think of how he must have wheedled so much food from the chefs, let alone managed to transport all of it to her house without being noticed.  She can only be thankful for his incredible sense of timing, for she’s certain she would have fallen asleep again if he had taken another minute.

They eat steadily and quietly.  Shamelessly, Wangji and Wei Wuxian sit glued to each other’s side.  Lan Chunhua decides to not comment and waits until they finish dinner to answer their questions about how she traveled.  Then, she asks something that has been buzzing persistently at the back of her mind.

“A-Zhan, tell me about A-Huan.  Wuxian called you the standing sect leader… What happened to A-Huan?  Shouldn’t he be the sect leader?  Or…” She steels herself for this thought, “is your father still breathing, while A-Huan is not?”

A chill sweeps through the room.  Before her nerves can jump to the worst conclusion, Wei Wuxian answers.  “Qingheng-jun passed away many years ago.  Your son, Lan Xichen, became sect leader.  He was very capable and truly an exemplary sect leader, but…”

“Tragedy struck him,” Wangji continues.  He does not meet Lan Chunhua’s eyes as he says, “A friend betrayed him and killed someone he cared deeply for.  Brother has gone into seclusion while I handle the sect in his stead.”

The irony does not go unnoticed.  The story is so similar to her own circumstances, at least in summary.  She knows well that Lan Qiren ran the sect while his brother secluded himself.  She knows well that her first son might be following in his father’s footsteps despite her best wishes.

“It is best you hear the story from him,” Wangji finishes.  “Will you meet with him tonight?”

~~~

As usual, the Cloud Recesses falls into an almost complete slumber at nine that night. They wait an extra thirty minutes before leaving the cabin and hurrying to Lan Huan’s quarters.

Before going in, however, Wangji pulls Lan Chunhua aside while Wei Wuxian keeps a lookout. “He is not well, mother.  He has begun to turn everyone away.  Please do not judge him if he is harsh to you.”

Lan Chunhua cups her youngest son’s cheek, rubbing away his worry with her thumb. “I could never judge him, A-Zhan. He is my firstborn.”

Wangji nods, minutely, before hugging her.  He lets go before she can return the embrace.  Then he hurries inside to wake his brother.  She gives Wei Wuxian a squeeze to the arm as thanks before following Wangji inside.

Xichen’s quarters are spacious, much more than her own.  It occurs to her that these must have been his father’s, but she does not see a touch of Qingheng-jun anywhere.  All of Xichen’s favorite things—instruments, books of poetry, scrolls of art, among other things—dot the walls.  She sees his work desk, where a xiao she recognizes as Liebing sits. Worryingly, on the desk as well are several unclean dishes, as though he had failed to bring them to his door to be taken away by the servants.  Or, worse, has refused to let anyone move for him.  Before she can follow the instinct to clean them up, she hears Wangji wake his brother farther into the room.  She moves towards her youngest son’s voice into a partitioned-off part of the room, behind which lays a bed.

The area here is in a much worse state than the rest of his quarters.  Where everything else was mostly clean, here paper is strewn across the floor.  Even in the dim light, she can see sword slashes on the mat.  The bed is in equal disarray and the man who sits upon it has lost any light in his eyes.

Lan Chunhua’s stomach sinks.  Her son did not become his father.  Rather, he became her.

“Brother,” Wangji begins, “I am sorry for waking you, but someone important has come to see us.”

Xichen rubs at his eyes, chasing away the last of his sleep with a yawn.  “Who is it, Wangji?”

Lan Chunhua holds her breath when her firstborn looks up and meets her eyes.  Silence engulfs the room, suffocating in its stillness. She is thankful when he speaks.

“…Mother?” he whispers.  He leaves the bed, stumbles just slightly, and creeps towards her.  He reaches out his hand, stops himself just short of her face.

“I am real, A-Huan,” she promises.  “I am real.”

He cups her cheek.  His hand is large enough to cover her entire face.  She holds his arm with both her hands, leans into the touch.  “Why are you here?  You are supposed to be dead.”

“She traveled,” Wangji explains in her stead.  He walks over to her left side and stares, quite intensely, at her. Deliberating, Lan Chunhua realizes after a second.  “She never died.”

“How?” Xichen immediately asks without breaking eye contact with her.  Then, as though a string finally broke, tears begin to fall from his eyes, quickly and without any restraint as his face scrunches up. He curls into himself, curls over her, and Lan Chunhua is quick to pull him to her, hugging her son who is now twice her size.  “Why weren’t you here?” he asks through a broken voice.

“I couldn’t stay,” she answers again.  She traces the tips of her fingernails up and down his back, creating patterns for his nerves to follow.  “A tiger belongs in the wild.”

Xichen grips her, tight, almost enough to hurt.  Wangji, apparently done deliberating, pulls them both into a hug.

“Why weren’t you here sooner?” Xichen asks.  “You should have been here sooner.”

“I know,” Lan Chunhua replies.  She holds him tighter.  “I wish I had come back sooner.”  She sighs, threads her fingers into his hair to cup the back of his head.  “You both grew up without me.  I am ashamed to call myself your mother when I failed to raise you.”

“Do not,” Wangji interrupts.  He rests his cheek on top of her head.  “You are here now.  That is what matters most.”

That statement alone fills her chest with warmth.  “Thank you, my son.  I am here now, and I have no intention of leaving you again.”

Xichen breaks into a wail.  He begins to fall, and both she and Wangji steadily sink to the ground with him. Xichen shifts his grip so he has a hand on Wangji’s waist while the other is pressed against Lan Chunhua’s back. “I have made so many mistakes.  I am ashamed to call myself your son!”

Lan Chunhua shushes him.  “Breathe first, A-Huan.  Breathe first, then think.”

He follows her instructions.  It takes several starts and stops and more than one instance of pulling him back when he tries to pull away.  But he gets there, eventually.  By then, Wangji has had to take a break outside, only to return some minutes later with Wei Wuxian in tow.

Now the four of them are sitting at Xichen’s working desk.  Wei Wuxian has prepared tea while Wangji works on cleaning up his elder brother’s face.  Xichen sits opposite Lan Chunhua, cradling his cup of tea and leaning into the warmth.

“…I must apologize for my earlier state,” Xichen starts.  “I should have greeted you with more composure.”

Lan Chunhua clicks her tongue.  “There is no such thing as composure around your mother,” she scolds.  “You could have come to me with the air of a god and I would still see my little A-Huan.”

He smiles, just slightly, at that.  She hears Wei Wuxian snicker.  Wangji starts to undo his brother’s sleeping braid as Xichen continues speaking. “Even still…”  He pauses, putting his words in order.  “Despite my earlier discomposure, I must admit there was some truth to my words.”  He meets Lan Chunhua’s eyes with intensity.  “Why are you here now, mother?”

“I do not know,” she admits easily.  “The array I used was purely experimental.  I had hoped I would skip to when you and A-Zhan were at least ten years old, just old enough to escape with me.  You were too young when I put the array to use.  I did not expect I would return when you were adults.”

Xichen tightens his grip on his teacup.  Wangji starts to comb his brother’s hair.  “So it was an escape plan, then.”  There are more words on his tongue, Lan Chunhua can tell, by the way he swallows and carefully puts his teacup down.  He hasn’t taken a sip of tea.

“I do not plan to leave now,” she tells him.  “You both have your places here—”

“So you will leave us behind again?” Xichen interrupts.

“Brother,” Wangji gently scolds.  He stops combing in order to rub a hand up and down Xichen’s back.  Wei Wuxian shifts so that he is sitting closer to his husband.

“I know,” Xichen responds.  “I know…” A deep breath, and he crumples into himself again.

“…You’ve been hurt,” Lan Chunhua observes.  “Quite deeply, it seems.”

“I have,” Xichen says.  “There… There were two men I cared deeply for.”  He grabs the teacup again, quickly empties it.  Wei Wuxian immediately refills it.  Xichen bends over the heat.  “They held my heart in equal amounts.  But I did not believe one, while I blindly believed the other.  It cost many, many lives, including both of their own.  In your absence, I have failed so many.”

She realizes something in the hunch of his shoulders.  “Do you expect me to scold you?  Hate you?”

His silence is all the answer she needs.

“A-Huan,” she reproaches.  “I could never hate you.  Look at me.”

With much reluctance, he complies.  Wangji begins to redo his sleeping braid.

“You were my firstborn.  There were many before you who did not make it.  To me, you are a precious existence.  You could fall into the deepest depths of sin and still I would love you. That is my duty and my joy as your mother.  And never again shall I abandon you and your brother.  I am here to stay.”

“Mother…” Xichen whispers.  He and his brother share the same teary eyes.

With no more time she is willing to waste, Lan Chunhua stands up and crosses to the other side of the table.  She pulls her sons of blood and marriage into a hug, holding them all as tight as her small arms will allow.

“I will stay here,” she promises.  “For as long as the heavens allow.”

~~~

It takes another year for Xichen to leave seclusion.  Time, Lan Chunhua must remind Wangji and Wuxian, he needs to take his time. But on the meritorious day he announces his seclusion done, Xichen looks ten times stronger than the night of their reunion.  Lan Chunhua is there to greet her son and sect leader with a smile.

The period of her readjustment and reintroduction is not an easy one.  The elders still remember her, still scream for her banishment just as strongly as the day Qingheng-jun brought her here.  But her sons protect her and vouch for her.  To her great surprise, Lan Qiren eventually, though reluctantly, takes her side as well.  “The boys have suffered enough,” he tells her in private.  “I would not take their happiness from them again.”

What comes as the biggest surprise is meeting Wangji and Wuxian’s son.  Lan Sizhui is a perfect angel with a backbone to rival his fathers’.  He comes a set pair, as well, apparently.  Lan Chunhua rarely sees him without his friend, Lan Jingyi, who is truly the loudest and most boisterous boy the Lans could have possibly produced. Lan Chunhua loves them both instantly. And it comes as little surprise to her, in the end, when she finally learns who Jingyi’s mother is.

(“Lan-furen, it is a pleasure to see you again.  No words can describe the joy of knowing our plan worked.”)

Lan Chunhua learns in time of Wuxian’s past transgressions.  Through that, she learns of the men who broke Xichen’s heart in three. She aches relentlessly for them both. And when finally she meets Wen Ning, she is sure to gift him with robes she crafted herself.

There are days still when her bones ache for her to run.  Escape the Lans, escape Gusu, escape to the border town she once called home. Sometimes she catches glares that make her wish to scream.  But she settles herself in her new home, far from the gentians, attended upon by those Wangji ensured would not hurt her.  She will travel again one day, she is sure.  A dragon must soar, unbidden by earthly needs.  But, for now, this is enough.  Seeing her sons smile again is more than enough.

[whitewolfofwinterfell]

Angel and Cordelia (Cangel) - an in-depth analysis of their relationship

Angel and Cordelia are a ship I never expected to ship before watching Angel, but since finishing the show around November, I’ve fallen in love with them (and the show generally) and wanted to compile a post where I could express all my thoughts and feelings about them. This meta will be very in-depth and is divided into 9 sections: 

1. ‘Pensiver Face’: Opposites Attract - Will explore Angel and Cordelia’s personalities and the ways in which these two unlikely characters came together and brought out new and wonderful sides to each other. 

2. ‘Help the Helpless’: Finding purpose - Discusses the way in which Angel and Cordelia found purpose in their lives through meeting and the creation of Angel Investigations.

3. ‘We’re family’: Belonging and Family - Insight into how Angel and Cordelia created a family and home with each other that provided them with a sense of belonging (perhaps for the first time in their lives).

4. ‘My Dearest Friend’: Friendship and Love - Looks at Angel and Cordelia’s friendship and how that was at the core of their relationship throughout the series.

5. ‘You’re not alone’: Emotional connection - Uncovers the profound emotional connection Angel and Cordelia established with each other.

6. ‘It’s the stars’: Everyone can see it - Reflects on the common ‘Everyone can see it’ trope and how that was important to Angel and Cordelia’s relationship.

7. ‘Were we in love?’: Romantic love - An exploration of when and how Angel and Cordy’s romantic feelings for each other developed.

8. ‘I’ll be seeing you’: Missed Opportunity - Analyses the writing in seasons 4 and 5, and the ways in which Angel and Cordelia’s relationship was hugely disadvantaged by the writing.

9. ‘There are no people like us’: Why Angel/Cordelia are misunderstood and live in Buffy/Angel’s shadow - Unpicks some of the common misconceptions I’ve seen about Angel and Cordy’s relationship and the how comparisons made between their relationship and Buffy and Angel’s is unfair and does a disservice to both couples. 

As you can see, section 9 does discuss Buffy and Angel, because I really couldn’t discuss Angel and Cordelia without also talking about Angel’s relationship with Buffy since she was so significant to Angel. It won’t be anti-Buffy/Angel (because I’m a huge Bangel shipper, as anyone that follows me will know), but I just wanted to give a warning for those that are a big fan of the ship as you might not want to read. However, the primary focus throughout will be on Angel and Cordelia’s relationship on ATS (I don’t really give much focus to BTVS since their interactions were so brief and lacking).

Before we get into it, I wanted to say this post is long, (coming in at around 9k words, whew! I had more to say than I realised), so if you’re interested in reading you might want to grab a drink or a snack and make yourself comfortable. 

1. ‘Pensiver Face’: Opposites Attract

What makes Angel and Cordelia’s relationship so special is that it’s between two unlikely characters who, on the surface are polar opposites, but that compliment each other beautifully. Cordelia was specifically chosen to be a regular on ATS because she was the opposite to Angel - Whedon stated that Cordelia’s bright smile was needed to counteract Angel’s broody persona (x). The fundamental differences in Angel and Cordelia’s personalities meant that together they brought out different sides to each other. Angel was known for being reserved, contemplative, melancholy, deep and pessimistic, whilst in contrast Cordelia was known for being outgoing, bubbly, outspoken, shallow and optimistic.

Both characters came to ATS season 1 displaying these characteristics which they were well-known for on BTVS, but through meeting each other, they changed. Angel smiled more with Cordelia than arguably any other character in the Buffyverse (x) (x) (x) (x). Her infectious personality, witty sense of humour and straight-talking attitude coaxed him out of his shell. Also, because he was more submissive by nature, Angel responded to Cordelia’s assertiveness - she wasn’t afraid to take charge, call him out on things, make demands of him and ensure he stayed on the right path. She was the one that took charge of the business, launching Angel Investigations from practically nothing; she persuaded Angel that he should pay Gunn for working with them; she didn’t easily relent after he fired her, Wesley and Gunn; she told him he needed to set boundaries with Fred when she had a crush on Angel to prevent Fred from getting hurt; she held him accountable for getting Darla pregnant in season 3; she consistently encouraged him to fight for Connor no matter how hopeless or difficult it became and even in her brief return in season 5 she continued with this pattern. She straight up told Angel that he’d lost his way, lost sight of their mantra to help the helpless and had become entangled in the messiness of W&H. In doing so, she set Angel back on the right path. It’s strange because generally people view Angel as having more positive traits than Cordelia, but despite his good intentions, he was more prone to giving up and wallowing than Cordelia. Angel was more malleable, more willing to accept the bad in the world whilst Cordelia, on the other hand, persevered no matter what obstacles came her way and was firm in her morals. She knew what she believed to be good and she didn’t stray from that no matter what. That clear-cut attitude really helped Angel, who being a vampire and having seen so much evil, often become lost in the blurriness between good and evil, and became disheartened about fighting the good fight on numerous ocassions. Cordelia was truly Angel’s centre of gravity and moral compass - she was the one he relied on most in his redemptive journey and helping the helpless. That’s why throughout the series there was such a heavy emphasis on Angel needing Cordy (x) and why he proclaimed to be lost without her. Angel needing Cordelia was also demonstrative of a deeper emotional connection between them, which I’ll discuss later on.

Whilst Angel and Cordelia’s differences helped/changed Angel, they did the same for Cordy. Cordelia as a person was very focused on superficial gratification. She sought popularity and status, and she enjoyed money and material objects because of the pleasure they brought her. Her desire to become an actress reflects those desires she had. Although Cordelia demonstrated on BTVS that she was much more than the stereotypical popular-shallow girl she was portrayed to be (x), she wasn’t inclined to be considerate of others and empathy didn’t come naturally to her. In comparison, Angel spent a majority of his time thinking of others and had a wealth of empathy, for everybody regardless of whether they were those he loved or strangers; good or bad. There’s no doubt that the visions were a large part of what enabled Cordelia to be more empathetic since she was quite literally experiencing the traumas of others, but being close to Angel also impacted this. Until Cordelia became friends with Angel (and Doyle, Wes and Gunn), she’d never really been prioritised or cared for unconditionally. Angel’s kindness, consideration and support enabled Cordelia to open up emotionally in a way she never had before, not just to those closest to her, but to everybody. Ironically, a vampire (albeit a vampire with a soul) was the deepest insight Cordelia had gained into humanity. Angel devoted himself to helping others and Cordelia witnessed first-hand the positive impact that had on others and the rewards it brought. Whilst she fought against evil alongside the Scoobies on BTVS, it was being part of Angel Investigations that truly showed her the true meaning of fighting. It gave her purpose and belonging, which in turn allowed her to blossom in an entirely new way.

2. ‘Help the Helpless’: Finding purpose

Despite being different in many ways, Angel and Cordelia had one main thing in common - they were both seeking purpose, meaning and belonging in their lives at the start of ATS  - and they found that with each other.

On BTVS Angel went through a traumatic ordeal with losing his soul, being killed by the woman he loved, being trapped in a hell dimension, coming back to life and then having to break up with Buffy. After Angel was cursed and his soul was restored, he retreated into the shadows and lived like a hermit for a century. He no longer belonged in the vampire or the human world, and he was so consumed with the guilt about his actions as Angelus that he was paralysed. He lived a lonely and purposeless existence - until the moment he saw Buffy. Buffy symbolised hope for Angel, because she was destined to fight evil and helping her provided him with a purpose for the first time in decades and I strongly believe that this (amongst other reasons) is why he fell in love with her. So when he split up with her and left for L.A. he lost his purpose along with Buffy. It’s clear that Angel’s time with Buffy and the Scoobies had been so significant to him that he couldn’t return to the life he had before he met Buffy, he needed to continue helping people, but he didn’t know how. Meeting Doyle immediately provided him with a sense of purpose by providing him with a connection to the HP, but as I already mentioned above, Cordelia really cemented that. Although Doyle knew he and Angel had a mission that they needed to work on together, he didn’t know how to make that a reality. Cordelia’s practicality, pragmatism and organisation is what took an idea - helping the helpless - and made it a reality - Angel Investigations. Like I said, Angel knew he wanted to help others but he didn’t really have a plan. When Angel Investigations was born, it became so much more than simply helping the odd person in distress after having stumbled upon them by chance. It became an indefinite commitment and mission which provided Angel with a true purpose - a purpose he realised was the singular most important thing to him in ‘Epiphany’ (2x16).

Cordelia was also in a similar place to Angel when she arrived in L.A. at the start of ATS. During her time on BTVS Cordelia’s character was built upon her status in high-school - she was pretty, rich and popular. Although she wasn’t afraid to stand up for what she believed in (such as defending Xander against her HS friends), she generally sought the approval of others. In HS Cordelia felt that she was somebody and that really came from her popularity and status. However, she admitted that that popularity came with a downside and that she was in fact, very lonely as a result of it (x). Cordelia’s experience in her relationship with Xander only fuelled that loneliness she felt because she isolated herself from her friends to be with him, and when he cheated on her, her ‘friendships’ with the rest of the Scoobies were revealed to be superficial in nature and quickly broke down. By the time she came to ATS, she had left high school and therefore was without her boyfriend (Xander), friends and the status that HS afforded her. This explains why she was on a mission to become a famous actress - to reclaim that status that she’d lost but on an even grander scale. The problem with this is that regardless of how shallow Cordy may have appeared, she clearly craved more than just popularity, fame or money. She’d already had that but it hadn’t  fulfilled her. Enter Angel. Cordelia saw that Angel (and Doyle) needed guidance and that she could bring something important to the table. When she joined Angel and Doyle and set up Angel Investigations, she found her purpose just like Angel did. Initially, Cordelia’s desire to stick with Angel may have been because she didn’t have any other particularly appealing options, but it became so much more than that and by the end of season 1 Cordelia was wholly devoted to helping the helpless (x). In ‘Disharmony’ (2x17) she told Harmony that despite the popularity she had at HS, she was happier than she’d ever been because of the work she was doing, and having that sense of purpose came from meeting Angel. ‘Birthday’ (3x11) further reaffirmed this, when Cordelia chose being with Angel and helping the helpless over her dream of being a famous actress. 

The creation of Angel Investigations (not just the business but also the family) wouldn’t have happened if Angel and Cordelia hadn’t of come together in the way they did. From the beginning, they were the heart of everything it was and when Angel lost Cordy in season 5, he admitted that he lost his way and was lost without her (again, this beckons back to Cordy being Angel’s centre of gravity). Poetically, Cordelia kissing Angel in ‘You’re Welcome’ (5x11) and passing on the vision to him quite literally set Angel (and co.) on the path to their final battle and brought purpose back into his life. But in addition to bringing purpose to each other’s lives through their shared mission of helping the helpless, they brought something else, perhaps more significant - belonging and family.

3. ‘We’re family’: Belonging and Family

Although Angel and Cordelia had bonds with others prior to ATS - Angel had relationships with Darla, Dru, Spike, Buffy; Cordelia with Harmony, Xander and the Scoobies - they never had with anyone else what they found with each other (and the rest of Angel Investigations) (x). In season 1 Cordelia referred to Angel as being her family and Angel reiterated that later in the series. The unconditional support, acceptance and care Angel and Cordelia had towards one other was unlike anything they’d had in any of their previous relationships (particularly for Cordelia).

Angel prioritised Cordelia, he devoted himself to keeping her safe (x) (x), he was always concerned for her well-being and he took the time to get to know her as a person. He didn’t like Cordy because of her status or popularity, he liked her for her and he expressed that numerous times - he told her he liked both versions of her (old and new), that she was an extraordinary woman and that he’d never known anybody like her (x) (x). Likewise, Cordelia accepted Angel - warts and all - without white washing his past or being ignorant to his darkness. She knew Angelus had done terrible things, and that Angel wasn’t immune from making mistakes and she held him accountable for that. But she also encouraged Angel to be open with her about that side of himself, telling him to drink blood in front of her and reassuring him that she and Doyle wouldn’t judge his vamp face (x). Cordelia came face to face with Angelus multiple times and she knew that even with a soul Angel had the capacity for darkness, but she still saw the good in him and believed it out-weighed the bad. She was never under any false illusions that Angel was perfect and that’s why she was firm in her promise that if needs be she would stake Angelus without hesitation.

It’s really that unconditional support and acceptance that led them to consider each other family. What’s most significant about this is that neither of them really had that before ATS. Angel (Liam) grew up in a volatile family situation with an abusive father and Cordelia’s family was so insignificant in her life that we only had a few references to them throughout the course of BTVS and ATS and not a single appearance from them. Neither of them really had a true home or family until they found each other. The friendship they found with each other (and the rest of Angel Investigations) truly was one of the most beautiful things that ever happened to either of them and provided them with a true home for the first time in their lives. In fact, in season 4 Angel explicitly said when Cordelia was missing “We’ll do whatever it takes to bring her home, where she belongs”, which perfectly sums up the title for this section about belonging and family. The bond they forged was one of the first they established with another that felt completely secure and contented (which is also why Cordelia reacted so negatively to him abandoning her, Wes and Gunn in season 2 over Darla), because at it’s core it was a friendship built upon familial love, which in my opinion, is the strongest and most enduring love there is.

4. ‘My Dearest Friend’: Friendship and Love

The most common argument I’ve seen against Angel and Cordelia as a romantic ship is, “They should’ve just stayed friends, they were better that way”. My issue with this is that Angel and Cordelia didn’t just fulfil one or the other - friendship or romance - they fulfilled both and so much more (x). What makes Angel and Cordelia’s relationship so special is that they morphed from acquaintances, to coworkers, to confidantes, to friends, to family, to lovers and were often some (or all) of these things to each other at once. Their feelings for each other cannot be boxed in, because they encompass so much, but there is no disputing that they loved each other.

Angel and Cordy had a profound connection spanning across the entirety of ATS, that no amount of words I type can quite express. They were a constant presence in each others’ lives for years, they were by each others’ sides through some of the most significant events of their lives and they shared it all - the highs and lows, the good and bad. Even when their romantic feelings came into fruition, their friendship remained unchanged. Nothing could change that fundamental dynamic between them or the ease with which they communicated and bounced off of one another. Any scene between Angel and Cordy has a natural chemistry (the nature of that chemistry is up to interpretation), and even when Angel was a awkward, bumbling and flustered fool, their interactions never felt strained or uncomfortable. This is because they knew each other so well and were so attuned to each other, but also because their relationship was already so well established by the time they realised they had romantic feelings for each other that there was no danger of those feelings complicating or endangering that friendship. It’s why in ‘Spin the Bottle’ (4x06) Angel told Cordelia that she was his dearest friend and he wanted that back. He was able to push aside his romantic feelings and desires because her friendship was more important to him than anything else.

Some may claim it’s weird for two people who referred to each other as family to be in love with each other, but when you’re in love with someone they are your family. The fact that Angel and Cordelia had that kind of connection provided them with the closeness, comfortableness, familiarity and security for those romantic feelings to blossom. Angel, in particular, had an aversion to romance because of The Curse and his experience with Buffy, but he felt so safe with Cordelia that it’s almost like he allowed himself to feel that way about him. Likewise, Cordelia was rather guarded in matters of the heart given her romantic history with Xander, but she felt so safe with Angel that she was able to finally open herself up in that way without even really realising she was. That profound connection between them can’t really be quantified, but can be seen in their actions.

5. ‘You’re not alone’: Emotional connection

When I say that it would do them a disservice to try and box Angel and Cordelia’s relationship into the platonic or romantic arena, that’s because of the emotional connection they shared which extends beyond such labels.

According to Wiki, ‘Emotional intimacy is a psychological event that happens when trust levels and communication between two people are such that it fosters the mutual sharing of one another's deepest selves.’ It involves trust, mutual trust, sense of community, understanding, open communication and sharing a duty. As you read this I’m sure you’re realising that Angel and Cordelia had all of this. They lived in close proximity day after day for years - they worked together, they fought together, they laughed together, they loved the same people (Doyle, Wes, Gunn, Fred, Connor), they grieved together (for Doyle and Connor), they shared the same beliefs and morals and they were united in the same mission to help the helpless. All of this led to them developing a profound emotional connection whereby they came to rely on each other and trust each other, and were able to open up to each other without fear of judgement or rejection (x). Throughout the series Angel and Cordy had multiple heart to hearts in which they confided in each other, encouraged or reassured each other and those talks became more regular as their connection grew. Something as simple as Angel calling Cordelia ‘Cordy’ (which he didn’t do until ATS ‘Are You Now or Have You Ever Been?’ 2x02) demonstrated that developing connection between them.

Again, it would be futile for me to list every example of when Angel and Cordelia had a scene that showed this emotional connection (particularly since you’ll have seen them all if you’ve watched the show), but off the top of my head some key examples would be - Cordelia helped Angel open up about Doyle’s death after Angel accidentally called Wesley Doyle; Cordelia helped Angel to open up about Buffy’s death after he’d spent 3 months trying to come to terms with it; when Cordelia fell ill from a vision Angel reassured her that her value to him wasn’t invested solely in her visions; generally Angel supported Cordelia repeatedly through the trauma of her visions; after Connor was born Angel developed an overly-protective paternal instinct and wouldn’t let anybody hold him, and Cordelia was the first he allowed to hold him; after Connor’s kidnapping Cordelia was able to simply sit with him in the silence and provide the emotional support no one else could and when Angel was insecure about bonding with Connor (after his return) she reassured him he was a capable and loving father. 

Nothing showed the depth of that emotional connection more than the beginning of season 4 when Angel was at the bottom of the ocean. In order to hold on to his sanity, Angel repeatedly dreamt of Cordelia in various romantic scenarios and admitted to Wes and Gunn when he returned that the one thing that had kept him holding on was the thought of returning home to Cordelia. Cordy and his love for her was the tether to his humanity, his hope when everything was hopeless, his light in the dark. 

I could continue exploring this because their emotional connection is demonstrated in nearly every scene they have together, but the point has been made that Angel and Cordelia consistently opened up to one another and were by each other’s sides through the hardest of times. Although they both had the rest of Angel Investigations (Wesley, Gunn, Fred and Lorne), they primarily turned to each other in their time or need or when they were feeling low. They instinctively knew what to do/say to ease each other’s insecurities, fears or anxieties and were each other’s source of emotional strength. What’s even more significant about this is that their connection was so profound, that even those around them noticed it. 

6. ‘It’s the stars’: Everyone can see it

‘Everyone can see it’ is a popular romantic trope whereby a couple are perfect for each other but don’t realise their feelings for one another, but everyone else around them does. This was an integral part of Angel and Cordelia’s relationship since they found it very difficult, as friends, to make sense of their romantic feelings for each other and to acknowledge those feelings.

The first person to notice the chemistry between Angel and Cordelia was Fred in ‘Offspring’ (3x07). After seeing them sparring Fred spoke about kyrumption (two heroes meeting in battle and recognising their same fate) and moira (the gut physical attraction between two larger-than-life souls). Angel’s feelings for Cordelia had already been present long before then, but Fred’s observations provided him with an opportunity to acknowledge them for the first time and reflect on them. 

Lorne being an empath naturally had an insight into Angel’s feelings and in ‘Waiting in the Wings’ (3x13) he revealed that he’d read Angel and knew he had feelings for Cordelia. Like Fred, he also spoke of kyrumption and told Angel that the way he was feeling for Cordelia was real. Lorne consistently was attuned to Angel’s feelings for Cordelia and understood that they’d grown beyond friendship. He also actively encouraged Angel to act on them because he believed Cordelia felt the same way about him and he shouldn’t miss the chance to see what they could be. 

I watched ‘Waiting in the Wings’ with commentary from Whedon last week and in that he explained that the spell was a way for Angel and Cordelia to act on the feelings they had for each other (that they were only just starting to realise) in a way whereby they didn’t actually have to admit that they had those feelings and wanted to act on them (because they were afraid of the consequences). Fred and Lorne’s observations are very much the same - they’re a conduit through which Angel was able to internally explore his growing romantic feelings for Cordy and slowly come to the realisation that he was in love with her. 

7. ‘Were we in love?’: Romantic love

Although I’ve been primarily focused on the general connection between Angel and Cordelia and what they brought to each other’s lives, there was definitely romantic love and attraction between the two of them and it’s important to discuss that.

I think when people compare Angel and Cordy’s relationship to Angel’s relationship with Buffy people feel Angel’s love for Cordelia wasn’t romantic or passionate, but it was, it’s just that the love he had for Cordy and their relationship was so fundamentally different from his relationship with Buffy that the two can’t really be compared. Buffy was Angel’s epic, great love - it consumed him from the inside out, it was intense, passionate and devastating - but Cordy was something entirely different. She wasn’t supposed to be some big epic love, she was supposed to be a friend with whom he developed a strong bond with and slowly came to fall in love with over time. Their love wasn’t characterised by angst-ridden scenes, grand speeches of forbidden love and sexual tension - it was grounded in family, friendship and emotional connection (as I’ve explored above). Their feelings for each other weren’t sudden and didn’t start out big (they truly were just acquaintances at the start of ATS season 1), but as they spent time together, shared experiences and got to know each other, their romantic feelings quietly grew in the background until neither of them could ignore it anymore.

It’s frustrating that we never got a clear admission of love between the two (all of their love confessions were to other people or cut off before they finished), but there is no doubt in my mind that Angel and Cordelia were in love. Their actions proved that and from a personal perspective, I could feel the love between them. Everyone will have different interpretations of when they believe the pair fell in love, but interestingly, I don’t think there’s supposed to be ‘one moment’ that they fell in love, because the whole point of their relationship is that it was never that clear cut. They didn’t go to bed one night as best friends and wake up the next day a think, “I’m in love with Angel/Cordelia!”. It was a subtle evolution of feelings over time, which neither of them truly noticed until it was brought to their attention by others, because they were so used to being friends and navigating within the realms of that, that they didn’t consider the possibility that their feelings could have gone beyond that.

Since ATS was primarily focused on Angel’s POV, it’s very easy to follow Angel’s evolving feelings for Cordelia and attempt to pin-point the moment at which his romantic feelings came to fruition. Like I said, I don’t think there was one particular moment where Angel realised his feelings for Cordelia, but in my opinion, they had definitley developed by ‘Dead End’ (2x18). At the beginning of season 2, Angel had a crisis due to Darla’s return and he fired Cordelia, Wesley and Gunn. It was really the darkest we saw Angel get in ATS whilst he had his soul, he truly lost his way for a while and Cordelia was so hurt and angry by his actions that she couldn’t forgive him. When Angel finally realised he’d made a mistake cutting his friends out of his life, he did everything he could to make amends, but he seemed most affected by the loss of Cordelia’s friendship and he was determined to earn her forgiveness. What’s interesting about this is that at this point one could argue that Angel’s friendship with Cordelia wasn’t that profound and it didn’t particularly matter if they made up, because they still could’ve worked together as co-workers (although it might’ve been a little awkward and uncomfortable). But Angel was adamant that he wanted her friendship back and almost the entirety of ‘Epiphany’ (2x16) was focused on Angel’s desire to make amends with Cordy and his devastation when she refused to accept him back. This continued in ‘Disharmony’ (2x17), with him desperately fighting to earn her forgiveness and ending with him winning Cordelia over by buying her clothes, which he was visibly happy about (x). Angel’s reaction at the prospect of losing Cordelia beckons back to ‘To Shanshu to L.A.’ (1x22) when we witnessed for the first time how scared he was to lose her and also suggests that at this point in season 2 his romantic feelings were developing for her. In the following episode ‘Dead End’ (2x18), he was so focused on making Cordelia feel better (and this was likely a continuation of him making it up to her) that he brought her food and his reaction to her saying she loved him was perhaps the brightest smile I’ve ever seen on Angel’s face (x). In ‘Belonging’ (2x19), Angel’s attraction to Cordelia was made clear when he saw her in a bikini and he also expressed anger at the director of the commercial she was filming for treating her like a ‘commodity’ and a ‘slave’, forcing him to apologise to Cordelia for the way he spoke to her and telling Cordelia he would rip his head off if she wanted him to. When Cordelia was sucked into the portal to Pylea in ‘Over the Rainbow’ (2x20), Angel’s profound emotional connection to Cordelia was clear (x) - he just wanted her back, he didn’t care how or what they had to do and he expressed that he couldn’t lose Cordy again after just getting her back (also that one line, ‘It’s Cordy’, that Angel says to Wesley when he tells Angel it’s too dangerous to go through the portal and they may never get back holds so much emotion). When Cordelia admitted to loving Groo in Pylea, Angel mistakenly thought she was saying it to him and was disappointed to learn otherwise. So basically, by the end of season 2 Angel undoubtedly had romantic feelings for Cordelia, but wasn’t yet aware of them. Season 3 continued to build on that by allowing Angel to heal following Buffy’s death and reach a resolution  in ‘Heartthrob’ (3x01) whereby he could start to process his feelings for Cordy, putting him a situation where he was faced with the prospect of losing her again, therefore cementing the depth of his feelings for her (‘That Vision Thing’ 3x02) and having Fred share her observations about his feelings for her, finally allowing him to fully acknowledge them for the first time. 

From Cordelia’s POV it’s much harder to guess when her romantic feelings for Angel developed, because we didn’t get as much insight into her. I do think her feelings for him didn’t come as soon as Angel’s did for her and neither did the realisation that she felt that way. ‘That Vision Thing’ (3x02) hints that Cordelia’s feelings for Angel may have begun to grow beyond friendship when she said, “If I lose the visions I wouldn't be able to help you anymore. You wouldn't need me.” Notice, Cordelia was concerned with Angel needing her, not the rest of the team. Also, since Angel was so devoted to saving Cordelia and explicitly told her she was more important to him than his vendetta against W&H, we can assume this impacted Cordelia’s feelings towards him since this was perhaps the first time she noticed how committed he was to keeping her safe and how much he wanted her in his life. I also think that witnessing Angel go through the process of becoming a father significantly impacted Cordy’s feelings for Angel. Seeing him take on the role of a father showed an even softer, nurturing side of him and the bond Cordy developed with Connor also brought them closer together. However, ‘Birthday’ (3x11) is the first episode that properly affirms the depth of Cordelia’s feelings for Angel. She was given everything she ever wanted - fame, money, stardom - and she gave it all up to return to Angel. Despite having no memory, upon seeing Angel so broken, Cordelia instinctively leaned in and kissed him fulfilling the old fairy-tale trope of true love’s kiss breaking the spell. I think from Cordelia’s POV, she was much more closed off to allowing herself to acknowledge her romantic feelings for Angel because she didn’t even consider Angel a romantic option given The Curse. This also explains why upon Groo’s return in season 3, she resumed her relationship with him despite having clearly developed profound romantic feelings for Angel that led her to prioritise him above Groo repeatedly to the point that Groo himself noticed that she had feelings for Angel.

This brings me back to the main point about Angel and Cordelia’s romantic feelings for each other never being straightforward or easily defined. In ‘Waiting in the Wings’ (3x13) it was clear - spell or no spell - that Angel and Cordelia shared a mutual sexual attraction and that Angel’s canonically confirmed romantic feelings for Cordelia were reciprocated. Yet Cordelia didn’t confirm her feelings for him explicitly to the audience until 9 episodes later in the finale of the season. This is for a number of reasons, but primarily because it was easier to continue denying their feelings and remain friends than face the complications that a romance posed. Even if they had been given the chance to openly express their feelings for each other, what would’ve happened next? As Angel said to Lorne in ‘Waiting in the Wings’, what could he offer her (as a cursed vampire)? It would’ve been too complicated and they knew that.

That criss-cross and complexity of their love is part of the reason I love them so much, because it’s authentic and relatable. Particularly in the case of friends who have fallen in love - it’s no easy transition and it’s definitely not easy to make sense of your feelings Plus, Angel and Cordy had the added complications that went with their life (Angel being a vampire, The Curse, Darla, their friends, Angel Investigations, W&H and the supernatural world generally, to name a few). In an interview a long time ago SMG said that the most heartbreaking thing about Buffy and Angel was that it was unfulfilled love, and in this respect so are Angel and Cordelia. It’s heartbreaking because they truly loved one another but they were never even given the opportunity to see what they could potentially be. They missed their chance and because of that they were always left wondering ‘what if?’ 

8. ‘I’ll be seeing you’: Missed Opportunity 

The fact that Angel and Cordy never got their shot to be together (which they discussed in ‘You’re Welcome’ 5x11) is the tragedy of their love. However, it wouldn’t be the same love story if it didn’t have that unresolved element to it. Everybody longs for closure and resolution with their ships, but the truth is, in real life few people truly get that, they simply have to move on and live with their regrets. But whilst I love Angel and Cordelia’s relationship and story as it is, there’s no escaping the fact that they were done dirty in seasons 4 and 5 in regards to the writing and as a result their story did go in a...shall we say unfavourable direction? 

Everyone that’s ever watched ATS has problems with season 4 (I could write a separate post about the problems with season 4, particularly in regards to Cordelia’s character), and when it comes to Angel and Cordelia’s relationship, there’s a lot that was handled badly which unfortunately, derailed the beautiful development that took place between them in season 3. We still had a lot of key moments that played out between Angel and Cordelia in season 4, but the main problem with the season is that we don’t actually know when Cordelia was actually Cordelia. At what point was she herself, if she ever was? Did she really have amnesia? If so, can we count amnesia!Cordy as still being Cordy to an extent? When did Jasmine start to take over? Did she have any agency at all when she was possessed by Jasmine, even if it was only the briefest of moments? All of these questions remain unanswered and make it very difficult to fully assess the Angel/Cordelia relationship during season 4, but I’m going to try to anyway. 

What remained clear throughout season 4 was that Angel loved Cordy. In fact, despite Cordelia technically being absent for the majority of the season, it was very Cangel-heavy, perhaps more than the seasons before it. Angel had multiple dreams/fantasies about Cordelia, devoted himself to finding her when she was missing at the start of the season, was visibly distraught to have her lose her memories and strike up a relationship with Connor, and lost his soul from a fantasy of making love to her. In my opinion, this is the season that really affirmed that Angel was in love with Cordy beyond any doubt. When Angel asked Cordelia if they were in love and she replied, “We were”, I strongly believe that was Cordelia. She’d just gotten her memories back so Jasmine hadn’t had chance to worm her way to the forefront yet, and I believe in that moment that was Cordelia finally breaking through and telling Angel that she loved him. Although the circumstances are ambiguous to say the least, I believe this to be the first admission of love exchanged between the two whereby the words were said plainly (because obviously they said ‘I love you’ to each other repeatedly before this moment in other ways). However, this doesn’t undo the dirty that was done to Angel and Cordelia in this season. Despite the fact that we know Cordelia wasn’t responsible for any of her actions since she was possessed by Jasmine, it’s still very hard when watching her with Connor to separate Jasmine from Cordelia. And from Angel’s perspective, he literally watched the woman he loved have sex with his son. Finding out afterwards that it wasn’t actually Cordelia doesn’t reduce the devastating impact of witnessing that and the way the Cordelia!Jasmine arc was written did taint some aspects of their relationship by forcing Angel to have to witness ‘Cordelia’ enter into a romantic relationship with Connor and have a child with him. Also, it was utterly ridiculous and unbelievable that Angel and co. wouldn’t recognise that Cordy wasn’t herself. This is definitely a writing issue, because the whole possession thing was handled so badly in the respect that Cordelia seemed like herself (even her sleeping with Connor was believable due to her amnesiac state), but it was still not in-keeping with the show that none of her friends (and especially Angel) would notice that Cordelia was possessed. Overall, season 4 did a huge disservice to Angel and Cordelia’s romance (although the biggest disservice was definitely done to Cordelia’s character) and whilst their relationship was beautifully developed in seasons 1-3, season 4 stopped that development in its tracks. 

Season 5 continued to do a disservice to Cordelia (and Angel and Cordelia) by practically erasing Cordy from existence (I know that backstage issues with the cast need to be taken into consideration here, but the lack of consideration to Cordelia’s character is still a valid point to discuss). Despite how utterly terrified Angel was whenever faced with the prospect of losing Cordelia, in season 5 he was visibly fine about Cordelia being in a coma and wasn’t even attempting to pull her out of it. The fact that Angel (and co.) would simply stand by and go on with the rest of their lives without devoting every single second to waking Cordy  is ridiculous and completely OOC for all of them. Angel, Wes, Gunn, Fred, Lorne and Cordy were deeply connected and would have done anything for each other, and there’s no way they would’ve given up on Cordy like that. But back to the point, despite Angel being in love with Cordelia throughout season 4, there was no reference to his feelings for her until ‘You’re Welcome’ (5x11). Now, don’t get me wrong, I love that episode and I always will, but I also can’t help but notice how out of place that episode feels within the rest of the season. In the episodes leading up to it Cordelia was barely mentioned and in the episodes afterwards, her death was completely ignored with only a few passing references from Angel near the end of the season (don’t even get me started on the fact that she didn’t even get a funeral. What the hell was that all about?!?!? This is Cordy.) Furthermore, Angel reverted back to being actively in love with Buffy (particularly in ‘The Girl in Question’ 5x20, which is honestly such a bad episode, I can’t even) with no consideration given to the fact that he had feelings for Cordelia. Personally, I believe all of these consistencies come from fan pandering - the reaction to Angel and Cordelia becoming a couple was very negative so they reverted back to the Angel/Buffy relationship because it was so popular and well-loved. But back to, ‘You’re Welcome’, the episode definitely redeemed some of what was done to Cordelia (and her relationship with Angel) by giving her/them a satisfying ending after an horrendous season 4, but nothing can truly make up for the fact that Angel and Cordelia’s relationship was so abruptly ended in the manner it was. It also can’t make up for the fact that we missed out on two entire seasons worth of development that we would’ve potentially got if the Jasmine plot hadn’t taken place (again, I understand this was largely down to behind-the-scenes complications with Charisma and Whedon). 

These flaws in the writing (and execution of the relationship) in seasons 4 and 5 is far and above my biggest criticism of Angel and Cordelia’s relationship as a whole (although it’s a criticism of the writers more so than Cordelia and Angel or David and Charisma). It never would have made sense for Angel and Cordy to have a plain sailing fairy-tale romance, but they had so much more potential and could have grown to become something even more beautiful if season 4 had continued to build upon their development from seasons 1-3. ‘You’re Welcome’ perfectly demonstrates the potential they had and what they could’ve become if Cordelia hadn’t been possessed by Jasmine. And that was only a taster and we could’ve had, we could’ve so much more. In my opinion, there were no limits on where their relationship could have been taken since it was so well written, built-up and established leading up to season 4. The fact that we’ll never know how the relationship would’ve played out if it had continued is sad, but as I said, that missed chance that they had is key to Angel and Cordelia’s relationship. It’s the one that got away, the love that could never be and that one person whom we always wonder, “What if?” about. 

9. ‘There are no people like us’: Why Angel/Cordelia are misunderstood and live in Buffy/Angel’s shadow

The final section I wanted to do is an exploration of the reasons why I feel Cordelia and Angel are misunderstood as a ship and how I believe this primarily stems from the fact that they live in Buffy/Angel’s shadow. This is where I’ll be comparing Angel/Cordelia and Buffy/Angel, so if you’re a fan of Buffy/Angel, you may not want to read this final section. However, this isn’t anti-Buffy/Angel, it’s really me working through my own thoughts and feelings as both a Buffy/Angel and a Angel/Cordelia shipper (yes, we exist haha). 

People have a tendency to make comparisons between the Angel/Cordelia and Buffy/Angel relationship two relationships, when in reality (as I’ve mentioned above) the two aren’t really comparable. Angel’s relationships with Buffy and Cordelia were distinctive, took place under completely different circumstances and brought different things to his life. Angel was fully engaged in a romantic relationship with Buffy for 2 years (on and off), but he never had the opportunity to do that with Cordelia. The romantic feelings were there, as was the potential for them to act on that and see what they could be, but it didn’t happen. So to compare the two relationships (when technically Angel and Cordy never entered into a romantic relationship) is futile to say the least. However, people naturally make those comparisons and when they do they seem to come up with two key reasons Angel/Cordelia are inferior to Buffy/Angel:

1. Sexual relationship/chemistry - It hasn’t escaped my attention that Buffy and Angel have a lot more sexual chemistry than Angel and Cordelia. Honestly, in my opinion, nothing can really compare to SMG/David chemistry, it’s so damn good. However, this criticism simply fails to understand that Angel and Cordelia’s love/connection never was primarily one of a sexual nature (notice that every fantasy Angel ever had of Cordelia was romantic not sexual). Romance was definitely part of their relationship (particularly in seasons 3, 4 and 5) and they had an attraction and they had chemistry (’Waiting in the Wings’ damn well proved that), but their relationship was never about sex. In comparison to Angel and Buffy, their relationship was deeply rooted in attraction. From the moment they meet each other they’re very physically attracted to each other and in seasons 1 and 2 they both make references made to how badly they want to kiss each other whenever they’re together, whilst in season 3 they discuss the difficulties they find in fighting against their sexual attraction to each other. As a result, Angel and Buffy’s relationship was always heavily steeped in sexual tension. The fact that Angel and Cordelia’s relationship didn’t have the same level of sexual attraction doesn’t make that relationship any less important, just different (which I know I keep saying, but it’s kind of my whole argument here - the two relationships are so fundamentally different you can’t compare them). 

2. Buffy is Angel’s one and only true love - There’s no denying that Buffy was and always will be Angel’s great love, but to quote one of my not-so-favourite shows (The Vampire Diaries), contrary to popular belief, people can (and usually do) have more than one great love in their lives. Clinging too tightly to the Buffy/Angel relationship ignores the immense changes Angel undergoes on ATS and the fact he moved on from Buffy (up until Spike’s return in season 5, which reverts him back to being kind of obsessed with Buffy, which is such bad writing and so inconsistent that it annoys me. And this isn’t  including crossovers either, because damn, they’re so problematic/inconsistent and I didn’t even realised until I watched ATS, but I can see now why the writers didn’t want to do too many crossovers despite the fans wanting them). Buffy was always in Angel’s heart and he always carried her with him, but he didn’t actively pine over her or yearn for her when he moved to L.A. (he did more so in season 1 and particularly after the events of ‘I Will Remember You’, but he slowly moved on). Angel conclusively and healthily moved on from Buffy - he established a life for himself which he loved and made him happy, he found a home, friends and embarked on a new love with Cordy. When two people have shared a love like Angel did with Buffy, it never goes away but it does change and it almost grows dormant (for reference, there’s a brilliant meta that discusses Angel moving on from Buffy which you can read here). To use a real life example here, my mom (who’s now 50) has been in around 5 serious long-term relationships in her life and has been with her current partner for 5 years and is completely in love with him. However, she’s openly admitted to me that she loved my dad more than she’s ever loved any man and she still regards him the love of her life. That doesn’t mean she’s still in love with him, because she’s not. She hasn’t seen him in two decades, she’s moved on and she’s found love with someone new. That love she had with him is a memory in her head and her heart, but it has no place in her life now. She’s a different person, her life has changed dramatically and that love is in the past. If he rocked up now he’d be a stranger to her and regardless of those memories she has of him, he’s no longer the person she’s in love with. That’s exactly what happened with Buffy and Angel. They always loved each other, but Angel truly did move forward (whether Buffy moved on is something I’m less unsure of). In ‘Heartthrob’ (3x01) Angel told James that he’d lost the woman he loved (Buffy) and that he had loved her with his whole heart. In response, James said that that couldn’t be true because if it was, when she had died Angel would’ve died along with her. After that, in a scene with Cordy (x), Angel admitted that he was okay and had dealt with Buffy’s death and how he felt guilty about that. In my opinion, this episode (and those scenes in particular) confirmed that Angel had moved on from Buffy and had gotten to a place where he could finally open himself up to Cordelia wholeheartedly. In fact, David spoke about how Angel had moved on from Buffy and that Cordy was what he needed (he also mentioned Darla, which is a topic I won’t get into because I could write an entirely separate post about that too) and here’s what he said: 

Interviewer: Darla killed herself, right? The baby's mother? Who's gonna step up and help Angel raise the baby? Buffy?

David: God, no. Buffy's pretty much out of the picture. They've played their storyline and that's just the past. I think between Cordelia and Fred he'll be mommied to death. But, Buffy's just the past.

Interviewer: Oh, come on. Buffy can never really be just the past, can she? I mean, that's Angel's soulmate.

David: I think Darla was probably his soulmate. I mean, they spent a hundred years together, then made a baby. You can't just--

Interviewer: Well, then Buffy was his first love.

David: Angel was Buffy's first love, but Angel loved Darla in a sick way.

Interviewer: I'm a Buffy/Angel fan. Sorry.

David: You're forgiven. No, I'm just saying that the two shows are on different networks and it's not gonna happen. There's no more story there for those two. Buffy isn't Angel's priority anymore. In season one and two of our show, she was always in the back of his mind, well, now it's all about the baby and Buffy is just, well, she's just a person he used to know.

Interviewer : Awww, come on! The story there was so incredible.

David: And like every good story, it came to an end. And then started over. On. Different. Networks. (again with the emphasis)

Interviewer : Is Angel going to hook up with Cordy?

David: Well, I'm all for it. I don't know what the writers have planned in that regard, but I'm a fan of Charisma's work and I'd love for our characters to be romantically involved. Cordy is really what Angel needs, I believe. (x)

See, it’s important to acknowledge that as amazing as Buffy and Angel’s story was, they broke up and went their separate ways. As David rightfully pointed out, it was the past and Buffy was no longer his priority. It’s always frustrated me that Angel was expected not to move on and to pine for Buffy, whilst Buffy was allowed to move on and find love again. The argument is that Angel was so much older than Buffy that he couldn’t or rather shouldn’t want to find love, whilst Buffy was still young, but the problem is, although Angel was technically old, he was still a teenager himself in terms of his experiences in love. He didn’t have a soul for 100 years so was incapable of love and then he spent 100 years when he had a soul cut off from the world. He had barely experienced anything the world had to offer and he certainly hadn’t had the opportunity to forge connections with others or explore the world of love. Buffy was able to move on from Angel and experience different types of relationships/loves with Parker (urgh), Riley and Spike (amongst others who she flirted with or briefly dated post-BTVS season 3). Angel deserved the same opportunity to experience new types of relationships that were different than the one he had with Buffy. I’m going to use another quote The Vampire Diaries because I feel it sums this up perfectly, “I realised that I may not be able to explain what I feel for her, but it is something, and, yeah, maybe all love isn't true love in the messed up way that you and I have experienced it, but I think this could turn into something even better.” This right here is exactly how I perceive Angel’s feelings for Buffy and Cordelia to be. Angel had only ever loved one person, Buffy was all he’d ever known of love and it was so big, messy and all-consuming , but with Cordelia he realised that love didn’t necessarily have to be like that and that there are different types of love. 

There’s no disputing that Angel never loved Cordelia in the same way he loved Buffy (which this post explains perfectly) - Angel will never love anyone the way he loved Buffy, but he did fall in love with Cordelia and she enriched his life in new ways and filled a void in him in much the same way Buffy did. During ATS Cordelia surpassed Buffy in importance simply because of the place she had in Angel’s life - she was the center of his world and without her it wouldn’t be the same (we saw that in season 5). It would be unfair to claim Angel couldn’t or shouldn’t love someone else just because he had such an intense love with Buffy. What makes his relationship with Cordelia so special is that it was so different than the love he had with Buffy. Those two loves will always sit in contrast to each other, but will never overshadow or replace one another because they’re both significant and special for different reasons. 

The point of talking about this was really just to highlight that Angel and Cordelia’s relationship is not by any means invalid or inferior because of Buffy/Angel. Both relationships are important and exist in contrast to each other. Angel and Cordelia’s relationship does tend to be misunderstood and/or unappreciated due to the nature of the writing (which had a lot of problems in seasons 4 and 5, and even a little in season 3) and because they’re too heavily compared to the hot and heavy romance between Angel and Buffy. However, Angel and Cordelia’s relationship developed organically over time in a subtle way and is demonstrative of how much relationships can evolve as life progresses and circumstances change, and how two people can grow together. Theirs was a story about two people, who in the beginning were indifferent to each other, but grew to know each other profoundly and found a lot through being in each others lives - purpose, belonging, family, friendship and love - and through having and sharing that, they fell in love. It’s not a conventional romantic love as most of us would expect, and they didn’t have the chances to fully explore their romantic connection because their story ended prematurely, but it was a beautiful relationship embedded in human connection and friendship at the deepest and purest level.

If you got to the end of this, thank you so much for reading. This took me days and days to write and edit, so I’m really grateful to you for reading and would appreciate likes/reblogs if you found this interesting. I’d also love to hear your thoughts on this topic, so if you have any feel free to stop by my ask box :)

[spidersolare]

♫★ Portal Playlist ★♫

!Full Fanmix!

♫ Everybody Wants to Rule The World - Aperture     (Tears For Fears)  ♫ This is Not a Test + Finally Free - Chell     (Tobymac + Chris Hawkes) ♫ Steady On + Listening For The Weather - Mel     (Tim Be Told + Bic Runga) ♫ Till the Day I Die + Never Let Me Go - Doug Rattmann      (Tobymac + Florence & The Machine) ♫ You’ve Got a Friend In Me - Companion Cube      (Toy Story) ♫ I Know Nothing + Regret - Wheatley      (Travis + Fearless Vampire Killers) ♫ Titanium + Lean On - Virgil      (David Guetta + Major Lazer) ♫ Mr Policeman - Rick the Adventure Core      (Brad Paisley) ♫ SPACE IS COOL - Space Core     (Schmoyoho) ♫ I Know Everything About Everything - Fact Core      (Frenzal Rhomb) ♫ That Man - Rainbow Core     (Caro Emerald) ♫ I Want It All + Black Honey - Cave Johnson     (Cam + Thrice) bonus  ♫ It’s Alright + Old Soldier - A.E.G.I.S.     (Dennis Waterman + David Crosby) ♫ If I Didn’t Have You - Atlas & P-body    (Monsters Inc.) ♫ Oh No + The Fall - Caroline     (Marina and the Diamonds + Yann Tiersen) ♫ Getting Stronger - GLaDOS     (Black Gryph0n)

Almost didn’t post this for various reasons but I worked too hard on it for it not to see the light of day as such. Thanks to the friends that supported me. Reasonings for each song below! (though note, most of them were picked for lyric suitability then accuracy of tone and characters with two songs where so I could get a better guess at their tone and character arcs)

  Aperture - It just feels like it really suits multiple characters and their motivations, and really, the working atmosphere of Aperture in general. Even before the incident, it was full of ambitious people who wanted to push limits and boundaries, do the impossible. They turned their backs on the natural order of things, of ordinary morality and did what they wished, even when it came to nothing and crumbled before their eyes. Everybody wanted to rule the world

Chell - Fast paced and badass just like the test subject herself, tons of lyrics that could directly apply to her, and a real ironic tongue in cheek nature to the title itself haha though its meaning is very true for her, since she does not get practice runs or retry’s. Its startlingly and strongly real. But once she is free of it all, that’s where the second song comes in. It’s still strong and powerful, but its tempered and much more relaxed. And full of little things like the appreciationg od sunlight and the sea that I feel would really resonate with Chell, being able to appreciate the little things without worrying about those people who’d come along and force her away from a life she has control over

Mel - Her first is bobby, and upbeat, but still carries a sense of hopelessness she pushes aside to stay strong and keep on going. Her time, her past is gone, and all she can do is keep going in hope she sees the dawn again. And when she finally does, its much more peaceful and steady. The second song is full of sunshine and serene sturdiness. Calm, with lines of farewell and a little loneliess and regret for leaving her friend, yet a need to return home and find her place

Doug - Doug was hard to pick for because of his eerie and surrell tone he deserved, but the strong passion for survival and the survival of those he needed in his life. He started the series of having two songs so I could better capture tones and character arcs. Anyway the first is 100% his passionate side and determination to survive. His support of Chell through his artworks and messages, his steely determination to keep going, despite everything working against him. The second is something like how I’d see his sentiments once he goes back and sacrifices his life freedom for Chell’s. It captures more of his ghost like prescence in the game, and how peaceful it is now he’s found a resting place. Though it still carries the message of his will to survive, asking Chell not to let him, or possibly even his memory, go.

Cube - Could any have fit better? I mean seriously, I was meddling around with friendship songs and the second I was reminded this existed there could not have been any others. Cube is not especially extrodinary in any fashion, not stronger, smarter or better then any other prop you will find in aperture. They are just a normal cube with a heart on it. But they will love you will all that is in them, never threaten to stab you in the back or abandon you, and you’ve always got a friend in them

Wheatley - This one is just funny to me haha, found it while looking for Fact’s song, and couldn’t leave it to memory obsuricty. Besides, it does a decent job covering how out of the know he is whille giving an optimistic spin, as Wheatley was apt to do. He just goes about, knowing nothing, making it to the end of each day. The second one however is definitely the more emotionaly powerful one for me, as the lyrics suit so well but the melody doesn’t go full angst and gives it a aptly regret like tune, sad punctured with harsh tones. And the lyrics were just perfect for a sad little space orb who made a lot of mistakes he regrets

Virgil - Virgil was one of the hardest to find songs for, but I stand by the ones I chose. The first one is something of a statement about his characters strength even while clearly feeling very low about himself. The second is not only a 70′s style song, but resonates with his learning to rely on other people, namely Mel. How you can overcome all obsticles with someone who you care for

Rick - Just a free wheeling song about enjoying the rush of breaking the rules in a fun western tune. Very adventurous

Space - I kinda feel bad about using a remix of someone elses voice but between the lyrics and the melody it was just too perfect. Besides I couldn’t find any others that matched up with it. So yeah heh

Fact - IT WAS SO HARD TO FIND A GOOD SONG FOR THIS ALTERNATIVE FACT GENERATOR. But in the end I think the choice was pretty good, though not nearly as detached or electric style as I would have prefered to find

Rainbow - Fun and jazzy, romantic and stylish, perfect! And the best part is you can see it from either Rainbow or Virgil’s perspective, freaking adorable gay babies

Cave - Nyeeeeeh I still kinda feel weird about these two but there alright. These two are definitely ment to mix together to get Cave’s cheery but harsh persona. That while he might have had good intentions, it was always to forward his own interests and get everything he wanted for his own. And that despite the consequences, he kept reaching for things beyond his right and never stopped, even after he passed away

A.E.G.I.S. - Aegis was always a protector figure to me. Kinda an old man, even though the game never gave you much of a human personality to him. Even if he went the wrong way about it, and tries very hard to kill you, it was all out of a need to protect what little was left of the facility. The first was found looking for Virgils, just a fun gruff at work song about an old officer. Took a while to find the second song, but it fit just right for the lonely old soilder who lost every battle that counted

Atlas and P-Body - Was there really any others I could have picked? Its like with cubes haha it was just too perfect for these adorable robots whose world literally revolves around each other

Caroline - While the tone is a little off, Caroline has always struck me as someone who always knew exactly what she wanted out of her existence, and worked hard to make that happen, with a couple silly moments along the way. She was an unstoppable force, who in the end fell to her own pursuits, at the hand of a person she trusted. The Fall, is definitely just the kinda music I imagine would have backgrounded Caroline’s shift into GLaDOS had we seen it. Sober, yet justaposed. She was a tragic figure, but it was also something of a fitting fall for someone who was “the backbone” of a highly corrupt and dangerous company. And of course it leads perfectly into the last song.....

GLaDOS - Here we are! Easily my proudest pick. Not only does the tone and melody fit her to a tee, the lyrics are almost literally perfect. No matter what you do to her, Glados is always on top of it in the end. She’d rule the world within a week if she put her mind to it

[edc-creations-blog]

FOR YOU WOMAN: Spirit Jewels by Author/Poet ME

For You Woman: Spirit Jewels introduces an innovative creative writing style of Poetic Intellectual Art that incorporates a mix of profound insights and spiritual wonders of Love, Life and Relativity. Its central subject matter of Love is forged upon the FOUR ways we experience Life: Mind, Spirit, Body and Soul. For You Woman: Spirit Jewels manifest as Creative Masterpieces of Poetry, Prose, Short Stories and Propositions. That is capped with a chapter on The Art of Love.

Spirit Jewels is a phonetic metaphor of a ‘Spiritual’ adventure of enchanting philosophical visions and revelations of our most intimate, intense and powerful needs with shrewd poetic twists that seduces the senses. Majik and mysticism permeates the avant-garde life-force that this book generates. It’s a truly unique, gourmet, reading experience.

  Is Love the True Religion?

What if a normal young man were kept away from women for thirty years? Meet ME, a man who loves women with the same innocence and passion he had when he was forced to give them up thirty years ago. During those years, he wrote about women and love, bestowing flesh on his dreams, and out of that struggle to remember and keep alive the passion of youth has come a unique volume of stories, poetry, and articles aptly titled, For You Woman: Spirit Jewels. Raw, optimistic, and powerful, For You Woman helps readers remember how it was to love without restraint or caution, believing that love is sacred, the gateway to God.

Time stopped for ME when he was shut away from women, and his musings on life, God, Goddess, love, passion, eroticism, and fulfillment provide the reader with abundant food for thought. Framed in the Black English of the ghetto and the prison, For You Woman loses nothing in translation. While the language is raw and untutored, the subject matter is love in all its forms and all its faces, written of with great passion and delight. Grammar police, of which I am one, may not approve, but as Marshall McLuhan, professor, philosopher, and public intellectual suggested, “The medium is the message,” and it is proved in this case.

The author, calling himself ME, is a philosopher of love and truth whose writing skills and insights were honed in the belly of the underworld. As a retired bank robber, ME is, in his own words, an intellectual thug, a spiritual gangsta whose crystallized experiences provide shrewd twists, unique perspectives and visions. He is an artistic scholar, a hopeless romantic, a mystic voyager, and a spiritual awakener of and for mankind’s destiny.

  Book Review written by Dan Neumann  

An Inspiring, Engaging, Entertaining, Enlightening Book

Nathaniel Thurston (ME) wrote a body of poems, essays, and micro-stories that you’ll end up reading like a devotional. Each poem is typically only a page or two long at the most, but you’ll be tempted to digest and reflect on its truths for a time before going on to the next page. The elephant in the room, of course, is Thurston’s 30-year residency in jail. For some of you purchasing “For You Woman,” that may be the reason why you’re interested in the book in the first place.

I’ll tell you now that it comes through strongly that these writings amount to a legal prison break. He has broken through the bars and the bondage of incarceration by communing with the spirit of God/Goddess/Love– freeing his mind and soul. This book reminds the reader that sex shouldn’t be sought for carnal lust, but for the unparalleled spiritual connection it can afford if we’re in the correct state of mind.

Thurston is more-or-less speaking to females in general in his poetry, but don’t let that discourage male readers. These poems will inspire you to recognize the divinity in women (and even woo them). Due to the maturity and the unadulterated veracity of the message, “For You Woman” ought not to be bedtime reading for youngsters.  –Review Written by Dan Neumann

  MESSAGE FOR THE READER

The contents of this book are designed to appeal to your HIGHER MIND, to your elusively hidden divine intelligence. Its subject matter is designed to advance maturity. As Intellectual Spiritual Art it is NOT by editorial protocol. Whereby you will notice the author’s SIGNATURE Imprint is his lower case i’s. In order to absorb the maxims of profound truths that is contained herein, it is suggested that you re-read very carefully these contents. You will marvel in what you discover and will be inspired in the way it grows on and with you. So study the concepts and the wisdom it offers, while enjoying such artistic wonder. It’s all you.

For You Woman is a tribute, a celebration of you Woman for that female essence – the Soul of our existence. That other half of ‘godness’ that’s so special, beautiful, so precious to we men. Me salute you, ‘cause you’re ‘like that!’ You deserve to be enshrined in your Immortality.

INTIMATE CONVERSATION WITH AUTHOR/POET -ME-

Once upon a time, in the the ‘dirty South’ of Miami, Florida, -ME- was raised as a Classic Old School Gangsta in the infamous Pork-n-Beans Project of Liberty City. A graduate of ‘The West,’ Miami Northwestern, ME attended the University of D.C., only to drop out to hustle and was convicted as a Bank Robber. As a result, -ME- served 30 years in federal prison and began to write FOR YOU WOMAN: Spirit Jewels. As an avid student ME studied everything. Whereby, he crystallized into an Intellectual Thug/Spiritual Gangsta whose journey personify writing skills of Spirit Jeweled visions.

BPM: Have you always been a writer and poet? Do you recall how your interest in writing originated? Yes, I have always been a writer and poet. It is what I was born to do. In the 7th grade, Me and my friend, John, wrote a comic strip book. While in Korea, the Army, I received a ‘Dear John’ letter; my engagement over. I was dumped and wrote an essay on Love. It was printed by the Miami Times along with the letter I wrote the editor and a picture. But my present preoccupation originated and took off while I was in prison.

BPM: What has influenced your writing the most? The Spirit of Love, Life and You Woman. Whereby, upon such inspiration I get to share the Spirit Jeweled gifts of the Word of de-Light.

BPM: Tell us about your new book. What do you hope readers take away from it? FOR YOU WOMAN: Spirit Jewels introduces an innovative creative writing style of Spiritually Intellectual Poetic Art that incorporates a mix of profound jeweled insights and wonders of Love, Life and Relativity.

Its central subject matter of Love is forged upon the FOUR ways we experience Life… Mind, Spirit, Body, and Soul. Whereby Spirit Jewels manifest as Creative Masterpieces of Poetry, Prose, Short Stories and Propositions of ‘Plenty Game.’

This book is designed as a very place for the reader’s Mind, Spirit, Body, and Soul… as a retreat, refuge, a rendezvous with forever. To partake in a connection with a kindred ego of Spirit Jewels.

BPM: Give us an insight into your primary message for couples in Love. That Love is Spiritual at its core by design of the Creator. So that the pure your Heart and Intelligence is… The greater your potentials for Love and the Relationship will be to generate Spirit Jewels.

BPM: How do you find or make time to write? Are you a Plotter or Pantster? I am both a Plotter and Pantster, but primarily a Pantster. Wherein the moment… Inspiration strikes like thunder and lightning. Whereby, mostly at night, when it is quiet and there are less distractions, I write. Dreams awaken and those meaningful inspirations instilled in the moment of the day comes to Light.

BPM: What was your favorite chapter or poem to write and why? My favorite chapter to write is the “Romance (MIND) Chapter. Because it embodies why this book was written. “Ahh yes, the Game of Love… the Chase, the Challenge, the Politiks, the give-and take of Love and Loving is the adventure of romancing thee. For in the game of Love, romance is how we intimately play ‘in’ Love since it s the play ‘of’ Love, as i play ‘on’ you, to play ‘with’ you, hahaha, crazy huh!? Yes, about you and i Love it! i Love the chase, the pursuit of your divine feminine essence… of winning your Soul, seducing your senses, your dreams, your very being.”

BPM: Talk us through your experiences as a self-published author. Why did you go down this route? My experience as a self publisher are the same as the experiences into our journey of Life. You learn the hard way from your mistakes as you extract the good from the bad. Writing is the easy part, it is the business side of publishing that is the challenge. The business side shows how cynical people are about money. A dog eat dog world. Being a self publisher is the only way to go. You have no submissions or rejections, you the boss – control over the book’s content, cover, marketing, and promotion. The best part is that all the money is yours.

BPM: Did publishing your first book change your thought on writing? Was it positive or negative experience? Publishing my first book did not change my thought process on writing. It refined my creative skills and techniques in the process of writing. For Me, writing is a work in progress, a masterpiece in motion. Like fine wine and cheese, the thought process of writing only gets better with time.

BPM: What is the most rewarding part of your artistic process? The Challenge of Creativity. The Process of combining a spiritual intelligence dynamically with the reader. So as to feed, awaken and connect with the reader on the highest and deepest levels of their being…

BPM: Was there an early experience where you learned that the written word had power? In elementary school I read my first novel. “The Cricket In Times Square.” I was hooked on the power of the Imagination of the Word. Ever since, I was hooked on the adventure of reading. The places it can take you; past, present, future. The ideas, images and concepts of the mind… fictional and non-fictional.

BPM: What is one of the things you are thankful as a writer? Being blessed with the gift of the power of the Word that you can share with the world. Sharing knowledge, insights, and experiences I have acquired with that of the reader.

BPM: If you can pass on advice to authors out there reading this interview, what would it be? That knowledge is power. The more you know, the more you can give, do and express as a writer. You can only write what you know, what you feel, what you experienced. The quality and level of writing is directly correlated with the quality and level of the writer’s character. It is like a computer programmer, garbage in, garbage out.

BPM: Share some of your writing goals. What projects are you working on present? To use writing that can take you and humanity to the next level… of Truth and Love Spirit Jewels upon the Word of non-fiction – Poetry, Science, Reality. And fiction – Novels. I have a novel project that mixes action, adventure, mystery, history, romance,,, everything on the deepest levels. And I have a non-fiction science thesis on Metaphysics – A Philosophy Discourse on the Nature of Reality and Existence. When you put an Intellectual Thug in prison over 30 years, Me could only dig to the highest depths as a Spiritual Gangsta. With plenty shizzit to write.

CONNECT WITH ME ON SOCIAL MEDIA ME’s Website: spiritjewelsinc.com FB Profile: goo.gl/r1YkYx FB Page: goo.gl/LMtEtb Twitter: twitter.com/spiritjeweler Google +: plus.google.com/104598422387497815539/posts

  EXCERPTS FROM FOR YOU WOMAN: Spirit Jewels by Author/Poet ME

This book is For You Woman as a spirit jeweled gift of you, of me, of Love. The spirit of ‘WE’ is what Love is about; we are Love, you and me. Love is our mystical identity; that eternal destiny we are always in need of and constantly seek, knowingly. But most of the time unknowingly. Oh, but do not mistaken that this book is just for you women. It is for Love and the ‘we’ of Love is Universal, it is for everyone. So… For You Woman is for every Man kind, every Mind awakening.  For You Woman is for your inner Baby Girl’s Sweetheart… all grown up, realized and rec-ognized for the purity of such profound power of me… in that Spirit Jeweled Love of you.

  POPULAR MISUNDERSTANDINGS OF LOVE

LOVE BLAMES: Why is it that when we make a fool of ourselves we say that Love made us do it ? We say that Love made us do something stupid or negative in our relationship. We blame a whole bucket of stuff on Love… it supposedly makes us go crazy, mad, and insane due to Love hav-ing blinded or confused us to do ‘tings that cause problems in the relationship. Of course this is an error of fact.

Sure the feelings of Love are a very strong and powerful influence in our lives. But Love ONLY Loves, it do not make decisions or excuses, it do not need approval or allowances, it do not play games or politics. Love do not have needs or wants; it has no insecurity, plans, or mo-tives… Love only Loves, it’s just that simple.

The problem lies in the fact that we allow our feelings to overrule our common sense judgement. We make decisions based on how we feel. We be so busy so caught up on how much we Love… that person and the benefits of it to us that we allow them to use us or we simply DON’T CARE. But it sho aint Love that cause us to be ignorant, immature, naive and just plain foolish when it comes to relating with your mate. It’s our being ‘stupid’ about Love that we allow such problems to get off on us.

The point of fact to be made about being STUPID about Love is that we had and still have a choice. So you chose to be a lame duck, a SUCKER to trust yo ignorant inability to have common sense judgement with yo feelings. Most of us learn from the mistakes we make with our feelings. It like anything else in our lives, either we control certain aspects of our lives [or] IT will control us! The judgement you make to trust your mate to privileged allowances must be made with pure logic or at least use common sense. Trust is to be earned, so of course it’s foolish to do things you would not ordinarily do. But please don’t blame Love, just charge it to inexperience or being stuck on stupid.

So when you are deceived or fail to see the truth or reality of that person or situation it’s because you had your head up your… Rasz. So naturally your lack of control and insight will result in negative, foolish, or really crazy reactions… in the Blame of Love, every time. Quit blaming everything and everybody else but YOURSELF and simply take the responsibility for your life to grow up and on. Hey, Love will always do its job, you just gotta do yours, know what i mean.

LOVE & HATE: Now there is the popular notion that there is a thin line between Love & Hate. That Love can turn to hate and hate to Love. That’s like water turning to fire or shit to sugar, silly isn’t it. Love is Love and hate is hate. Hate is the result of our emotional immaturity from anger and frustration that we have with that person or situation. For when we Love someone and they dump us or betray us or do not return the Love we have for them… then we act like a ‘jerk’ and jerk Love around to hate, simply out of hurt and anger. Now you still Love that person, you’re just mad at em for not Loving us the way we want to be Loved or for not being still together or for something they did that you find unforgiveable. Like i said, you still Love em, its why you’re acting so emotionally juvenile. We know personally how hard it is to make changes, yet we so brilliantly assume that Love can turn to hate is no more likely than the truth turning into a lie, it don’t happen.

LOVE MISGUIDED: It seems the biggest problem we have with Love is our approach to Love. We misunder-stand its true nature. Love is a divine spiritual power that is ‘holy,’ omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent and infinite. Yet we approach Love in a crude, unrefined ignorance that is ‘pro-fane.’ We do not understand the sacred spirituality of Love and its divine prominence. We ap-proach Love with animal instincts, we approach such divine immortality with mere mortality. We truly miss the significance of its divine depths and power, but when we experience bits and pieces we get a glimpse and taste. So we set out blindly and crudely_ about_ seeking such di-vine powers of Love. And with such an approach, how can we attain Love’s greatest glory. We can’t. Our approach must be adjusted to its true sacredness, only then can we begin to spiritually Love like we were meant to Love.

OWNING LOVE: Probably the biggest mistake we make with Love is that we try to own it, we try to selfish-ly possess it. This causes mucho problems when we foolishly try to possess Love. Love is universal and trying to selfishly own it is like trying to own and possess the ocean or a rainbow or sunshine. It simply don’t work that way. Love Don’t Love NOBODY; Love just Loves and it do not care who, what, where, when, why or how it Loves … Love just Loves. Yet we try to make Love our very own personal property. We be wantin it when we want it, the way we want it and get all bent out of shape when we can’t have our way. We do not realize that ‘we are Love’ and that we have access to it at any time. But we need CONFIRMATION from outside… of us thru the possession of Love from another. How can you own somebody else Love ? Hey! All i know is… you’re MINE!!!

  ATTITUDE: Our approach to life and Love is based on our attitude. Our attitude is how we look at things, it’s how we carry ourselves. Our attitude is our state of mind, the psychology of our Being. It’s the subconscious behavior patterns we have formed. Therefore, the way we Love come from the deep seated attitudes of our mentality. The KEY to Life and Love is in our attitude. Attitude is everything! Our Life and Love is based on our Attitude… yo deep seated mind set.

The best attitude for Loving is Spiritually centered, a spiritually inspired attitude. One that is God Inspired. Remember God is Love and that this path is designed to perfect the ‘religion’ of Loving just as the Bible set out for us in the 4th Chapter of I John. So let’s take a look at these mental attitudes essential to the Art of Loving.

  ATTITUDE: EMOTIONAL STATES 

Our attitude is strongly affected by the disposition of our emotional state or in other words, how we feel. It can be positive; such as pleasant, kool, laid back, upbeat, etc. Or it can be negative; as in angry, jealous, cold, bitter, and so on.  The key to understanding Negative Emotional States is that they are a direct result of Disillu-sioned Confused Reactions… out of simply not knowing any better.  Negative Emotions are UNCONTROLLED Subconscious Reactions of Self Destructive Feelings.

Bad moods such as fear and hate affects everything in its path with a poisonous vibe. A rabid diseased mind is like a brain cancer in which zombie cells actually eats its HOST and the relationship ALIVE! So any one who is Negatively unstable would naturally have Nega-tively unstable emotions, relationships, and lives. We MUST BEWARE OF and be careful of our EMOTIONAL NATURES. Easier said than done, but we need to be positive and spiritually centered in our attitudes.

RESPONSIBLE ATTITUDE: Every relationship automatically inherits with it a mutual accountability to one another, a responsibility to each other. Responsibility is a COMMITMENT that your mate can rely on from you. Responsibility in a relationship is built upon an agreement, obligation, a trust of commitment to each other. It is an intrinsic contract that bind you to your mate in marriage, informally. Responsible commitment is marriage like, naturally. If there is no commitment to such responsibility it can only result in a miscarriage of justice. Every woman that i ever Loved i Loved as my WIFE, still do. They belong to me, now and forever, didn’t you know? Hahaha.

IRRESPONSIBLE ATTITUDE: Well this subject certainly does not need introduction to how foul and evil it is to a rela-tionship. An Irresponsible attitude is a SELFISHNESS that opposes and undermine any and all relationships. As a spoil brat, selfish individuals are juveniles who never grew up. They have undeveloped child mentalities that is retarded with the “everything is mine,” slash, “my way” syndrome. It’s all about them; their wants, needs, desires, demands to the satisfaction of their every whim, what they want, their way.

A lot of you women suffer from the “what have you done for me lately” syndrome, upon that despicable monster Ego-R disease that’s fashionably slick to the tune of “Take Care of Me FOOL” attitude, so viciously cold! Whew! That female Hustler’s… NO FINANCE NO RO-MANCE, pay to play Vamp. HMO’s – High Maintenance Ho’s. It truly all about taking care of them as an absolute demand. They want their cake and to eat it too, with the ICE Cream… they bring, owwww! Do i need to tell you that it aint healthy being one-sided on a two-sided destiny. The irresponsible attitude of self indulgence denies the balance needed for a healthy relationship.

ATTITUDE OF FRIENDSHIP: i personally feel that every relationship, every couple should relate as friends, buddies, pals. That your mate should be your partner, yo ‘road dog,’ trusted companion that’s down with you and got yo back. Ya mate should be yo ‘lieutenant,’ your right hand man, ‘ace boon coon,’ ya ‘dawg.’ It is a must do to do things together, have shared interests, activities, and associations. A joint venture closer than close. Being friends and Lovers is the Ulti-Mate Bond. It’s the true likeness of having your cake and eatin it too. It don’t get no better, it’s our responsibility to commit to each other as best friends… ya dig.

RENEGADE ATTITUDE: You know some individuals do not want responsibility or to face any. Some just do not want to make a commitment to someone else, they simply were not cut out for it. It’s the self-ishness of a true renegade by nature. Some just want the freedom to rip and run with no inten-tions of being monogamous or accountable to anyone. They want the freedom to come and go as they pleases. And then there are those that aint sociable creatures, know what i mean. Hey, everybody is not made to be monogamous.

TRUST ATTITUDE: Trust is defined as the total confidence in the integrity, ability, and good character of an-other person. It is a display of the faith you have in the trustworthiness of a person, idea, or thing. Without ‘trust,’ forget it, my advice is to watch your back. Because if you do not have trust or faith in your mate, then you are living dangerously. If you do not trust in or have faith in your mate… Why are you with em? Faith and trust are the backbone of a relationship, a re-lationship is based on mutual trust.

People learn not to trust from an accumulation of negative untrustworthy experiences with individuals ig’nant and immature in their ways. A pattern of KARMA they have yet to learn. The quality of trust in a relationship help define the quality of the relationship. Without trust the relationship can only be superficial and filled with chronic problems and damnation.

HONEST ATTITUDE: Pure Love is Righteousness overflowing with the right-ness of Honesty. The only true way to get off on Love is to be for Real, true to de game, true to ya heart. Raw truth and honesty must rule no matter what. When you go with the flow of what is “right” you can’t go wrong. We must be righteous and honorable in principles, intentions, and actions. You got to come clean. For anyone who is not conscientious to lying and deceit with their mates, they just ‘aint no good.’ Honesty and righteousness is rooted in the spiritual heart of God-ness and Good-ness. Keep it real.

PATIENT ATTITUDE: Without patience, there can be no growth, no future, no chance to keep Love from slipping away from us. We have to hang tough when things get rough, we must be able to endure the problems and hardships so we can learn to rise above them. Weathering the storm is not enough; the purpose is for yall to grow together, to take the relationship to the next level. A relationship is a process that require time and patience to be worked out, to heal and to grow. Patience is a sign of maturity and discipline we apply to achieve our goals. Work that patience wisely.

    THE ART OF WRITING

In the Beginning was the WORD…” St. John 1:1

In Creative Writing, WORDS, as an artistic medium has the ability to seize a person’s Mind, Spirit, Body and Soul with its images, visions and meanings.  With Words a writer can paint, sculpture, compose infinite scenarios, concepts and characterizations that transcend ‘Time and Space.’  Words can take a Reader to any place and time; past, present and future.  Any kind of writing genre… Fantasy, Historical, Science, Poetry, etc. or combinations thereof, can be created.  Writing is truly an Omnipotent Art Form.  What other art form can plug directly into the Mind a variety of vividly intimate encounters and experiences.  Words can evoke emotions, inspirations, understanding and so much more.  Whereby you can FEEL with the Spirit of the Mind and EXPERIENCE the depths of the Soul.

Soul Mates

Before

there ever

was a you, before

there was an earth, a

sky, stars and even

before there was a

Universe…

you Woman

was

predestined

long before Creation

and Time to forever

and ever and ever

…be mine.

  For it is by God’s grand

master plan that your

Heavenly Spirit be the

essence of a Goddess divine,

deep from within the

Soul of the Cosmos

Womb Mind,

wherein

the very first thought

took shape from pure

Love to create BEAUTY

eternal, from which you

Woman emerged…

A dark deep mystical

majik of Mind

embodied Love,

when from that very

moment…

our Souls formed

a sacred eternal bond

long before any human

was ever born.

… While lost in time

to instincts that you had

always vaguely known, some

where awaited our mystical

fate

predestined as

Immortal Lovers

forever

as cosmic

Soul Mates.

Written by: Me

  And the WORD was the Light of Life. St. John 1 Chapter

The Word as the Light, the Life of Mindkind is symbolic of divine Intelligence.  Creative Writing of all art forms is the most sophisticated, skilled and engaging because of its unlimited potentials and ability to communicate, to connect with the Reader.  Creative writing is the art of effectively projecting and connecting thoughts, ideas, and images that sensationalize the subject matter.  It becomes increasingly challenging with the complexity of the subject matter.  But even the simplest writing can be misunderstood or obscured.  The art of writing is the art of the creative expression of the writer’s personality.

  POETIC WRITERS

So what is a Poetic Writer.  Writing is the expression of the Culture, Intelligence, Personality and Experiences of the Writer.  This is why you have different writing styles, different strokes for different folk.  Of all the writing styles Poetry requires the most creative ingenuity and skillful technique.

But what is a Poetic Writer.  It is an avant garde writing style applied by the author Me.  Even his name is indicative of his innovative ingenuity.  As evidenced by the poem “Soul Mates,” Me expresses a creative mix of shrewd twists, intellectual wits and a phonetic play on words.  His poetic artistry is rooted in a Spiritual Vision that is Deep, Inspiring and very very Unique.  Poetry that make you ‘tink,’ feel… feel you with meanings so real.  Poetry that master metaphors to make you soar with the need for more.

Me demonstrates that creative writing is not confined to grammar or tradition applications.  All Arts and Sciences evolved with creative innovative applications.  The art of writing is when a poem can slow dance you with romantic intelligence… that touch with so much intensity, Soul much intimacy, both subtle and dynamic.  And as evidenced by this article, Poetic Writing is not confined to Poetry.

Poetic writing is simply the ‘Poetic Expression’ of the Writer’s dialectic mindset… the artistic revelations of Spiritual Intelligence.  The art of writing is in the art of the projection, the intelligible art of the projector… exclusive connection.

    OPEN YOURSELF TO SOMETHING UNIQUE

ME is the pen name of the author. ME represents the Mirrored Mankind of existing as human beings. ME is that other hidden you revealed and experienced as…ME. The author identifies himself, to the reader as ME, a paradox to those who ask about the author’s identity. So, ME is a shrewd alter ego of you woman. A reflection of the imperfections ME be’s in you, you be’s in…who ME, Yeah you. ME places the reader in his space, his fate, his yai eye. He writes for all who doesn’t exist as ME. Who can only be but a mystical reflection of humanity’s Spirit jewel. Me.

      FOR YOU WOMAN: Spirit Jewels by Author/Poet ME FOR YOU WOMAN: Spirit Jewels by Author/Poet ME For You Woman: Spirit Jewels introduces an innovative creative writing style of Poetic Intellectual Art that incorporates a mix of profound insights and spiritual wonders of Love, Life and Relativity.